losers weepers (3) when the world was still in order...

...i was a lot younger. or the other way around: when i was younger, the world was still in order :)

this it the blog promised in the mtv one. both come from some late night reminiscing from the night before, when i couldn't sleep. and, oh yeah, a couple more on the way...

i was just thinking about my childhood... and i reached the conclusion that grown ups told me i would reach, but of course i was smarter and didn't believe them. and that was that childhood is the most beautiful time of your life and you are to enjoy it to the fullest while it lasts, instead of yearning for and hurrying towards the real life, for the true beauty of life lies in childhood years :(

i remembered my second kindergarden year... loving playing with wooden cubes... and drawing... i used to be good at that. i remember that around four years, i was drawing in perspective. i had drawn a house, two persons and a tree. the teacher asked me how come the persons were bigger than the house, that can't be. and i answered "because the house is farther back".

my sixth birthday was "celebrated" in the mountains, i was there with my parents, skiing. i got a chocolate and a skiing diploma and i made a huge snowman on my birthday... it stuck with me. so did the fact that i was there with a colleague named victor and a certain incident with the cat of the cabin's owner :)

i remembered laying under christmas trees and looking up at them, to green depths adorned with globes and shiny lights... i remembered resenting filled eggs (i love them now) - a christmas meal treat - and having my dad take out the filling and eating only the egg-white, and singing carols with my godparents (how ironic that my godfather died on christmas eve), and the feeling of suppressed excitement, the knowledge that something important was happening and i was living through it, just before christmas 1989.

i remembered playing around with a young collie pup named rocky who grew into an old, sick and tormented dog whom we had to put to sleep. i remembered how mum helped me out and supervised me doing my homework in the first grade and how dad taught me to do crossword puzzles and to play backgammon.

i miss that, and i promised myself a couple of months ago that i would do that with him one of these days. just that i never seem to find the time and he always seems to be tired. and i fear. now that he is in pension i've just come to realise how old he actually is and i got a totally illogical and uncontrollable fear that i should get playing with him really fast, because otherwise i might not get the chance to do it and regret it for the rest of my life.

and then, like all thoughts of the sort, i try pushing it to the back of my mind and forget all about it. shove it in my closet. but like so many other thoughts of the worst sort, it keeps slashing out tentacles from underneath that locked door. and like all things i mentioned here, it makes my heart cringe. i feel it physically, a pain in my chest and a real cringe of the heart, like it's being squeezed. and i know all too well what that is: it's the feeling of complete, utter, irreversible loss that only time can inflict upon a life.

i lost all those things, they're buried with the innocence of a child, which withers and dies with the birth of reason. wooden cubes look silly, the acknowledging of my meager skills spoils the fun of drawing, i was too scared to fly downhill when i went skiing in the tenth grade, christmas is only a depressing time of memories and cheap commercialism and backgammon with dad probably just wouldn't feel the same, anyhow...

i feel time trickling to me and then accelerating, taking away from me everything i ever cherished and enjoyed, whether i was aware of it or not, and in its flow it is... well, disintegrating me, melting me like some freakish Dali figure. anyone seen the Korn video to coming undone? it's something like that. just that i am not coming off in shreds.

it's like... a stream of golden yellow light hitting me in my face and coming out on the other side of me. at first everything is clear, but then you see particles traveling in the light. first slowly, but they are slightly accelerating. and then you notice there are more particles when the light gets out of me - it is taking away particles of me, dwindling my essence. it is not noticeable in the beginning but as it goes ever faster, i become translucent and while the stream of light accelerates and gains in power, it starts tearing away pieces of me, leaving holes in my already weakened frame. and i am pretty much helpless about it. and assholes around the globe with a diploma in psychology call it growth. i call it dying while still being alive.

right now this being-grown-up-thing feels like being caught up in some weird half-breed of matrix and groundhog day, caught in the rat race and i can smell no cheese at all in this labyrinth. only filthy sewer smells invading my senses and blurring memories of a mythical out-of-time past when the world was still in order.

now that i've shared a piece of nightmare with you, sweet dreams. and if i don't blog tomorrow, it's probably because the nice friendly people in white came to take me and put me in one of them nice jackets with long sleeves, that are hip to be tied at your back :)

ps: request still valid: can i share it with adrien?

ps2: indulge me, i don't want to spend the rest of the night crying.