trains hate me... but someone loves me

saturday morning. 7:15 am. i am calling a taxi. no car available. darn! i phone the next company. car'll be there in 2-3 minutes. i take my bag and go outside. time passes, i'm cold, no taxi in sight. i am getting nervous. suddenly, a cab from the firm i called passes by. i jump, wave, but the idiot drives on. guess he mistook the address.

7:25. i head to the nearest taxi station - no one parked there. 7:32. no chance i'll make it. i go to the next taxi station. no car parked as far as i can see. there, one is coming, the driver's buying a paper, heads back to the car by the time i reach him. i get in, he looks at me in expectancy. i sigh. "to the station. not that i've not already missed the train, but... the the station, anyway".

dunno why i insisted, but i thought i might just as well make certain i at least tried... maybe the train won't leave precisely when it's supposed to. "what time's your train at?" "7.46" he looks at his mobile's clock. then he steps hard on the gas pedal. 6 minutes left. it was like in the movies. the guy is racing. i kinda smiled at some point. i might actually make it. he stops, i give him the money. he wishes me luck, tells me not to waste time.

i don't recall ever getting on even so much as a tram without a ticket. never. i abhor that. however, i wasted no time. don't know why, but decided to forget about the ticket. i went straight to the platform. as i enter platform 1, i hear the loudspeakers. clearly, this time. train leaving at 7:46 from line 8.

i hurry, there are trains at lines 1 and 2 - the intercity to budapest i think, and some train to bucharest. there are also two trains at the other end of the station. i forget all about counting lines, i hurry to catch the train. in some weird sheepish upsurge i board the train the persons in front of me are boarding. they enter a compartment. i lean against the wall, catch my breath. i feel my feet melting. i can't believe i made it. i get my wallet ready - this is gonna get expensive. either 150% of the ticket price, if the ticket collector believes me, or a fine. it never crossed my mind to try getting away with it.

then it hits me. i remembered that at the same time, from two lines next to each other, two trains head to two different directions. i get off, try finding a board on one of the trains - none there. i go to the front of the wagons, there, i can see boards. i look at my train: canrasebes. darn! thank got i had gotten off, it was the wrong one. i turn to jump on the other, and............... the train is just going by, doors closed, gaining speed... i just about see the arad-sign going by me. the precise place where i should be in two hours.

i'm stricken. at first, i just stare at the train. i can't believe this is happening. it would've been better to get to the station and find that the train has left. but i was in one. i go to the information desk. next train is leaving at 11:50, way too late. i had to be in arad around 10:00 and catch the 13:00 train back in order to make it to work at 15:00. i got out of the train station and decided to see if i can catch a bus. i headed towards the bus station and...

well, if you don't believe in signs and portents skip the next paragraphs. i am not sure i believe either, but... i don't consider seeing any too often, so i am pretty determined to pay attention. i was right the three or four times i've had them. those might have been coincidences, so might have been this feeling i had, but in the end i made the decision to mind it.

on the way to the bus station, i saw a mini-van. i know them, they go two or three time a day on the route timisoara-arad-oradea. it was still waiting for passengers. i could've gotten on it and would've made it to arad in time. or maybe not. my folks had left town friday morning. the evening before, my mum asked with a worried look on her face how i was going to get to arad. i jokingly answered "by train, of course".

now, my mum really is the worrying kind. OH, YEAH! but i knew what was on her mind: lately, there have been loads of accidents in which minivans have been involved, of the kind i saw before me, the latest wednesday afternoon, on its way to... arad. no wonder - i've been to oradea once with such one and i know how they drive. i also know the roads in romania. i kind of promised my mum i wouldn't take a minivan, which seemed totally unimportant then, as i was sure i would go by train.

i kept looking at it, and i kept wanting to get on it. i was scolding myself and telling myself that i am being ridiculous, and what the hell, it's not like this precise one was going to have an accident. but i had a really bad feeling. i thought it was bad conscience for wanting to do something i had told my mum i wouldn't do, i was pissed off at myself. then i turned around and walked on.

because i had recalled the day and decided that i believe in coincidences. but not in that many happening at once. one evening before, a friend of mine who wanted to come along told me she can't make it. then in the morning: first, there is no cab. then the one i call passes by. first station - again no cab, second station - no cab, but i just happen to get the only one coming in. i never ever get on anything without a ticket, but i decide to do just that. out of two possible trains, i actually get into the wrong one! had i than looked first at the other's destination shield, i might have gotten on, but i looked on mine. i know there is basically no chance to find a bus, but i go to the station and on my way, doors wide open i find... the minivan i told my mum i wouldn't take.

well, call me silly, call me a chicken, call me superstitious. i believe that something happened that day. whether i wasn't supposed to get to arad at all... or whether i was supposed to find that precise minivan... i don't know. but you wouldn't believe the relief i felt walking away from there. it's not like that van had an accident, as far as i know. and i am not going to say that it would've, had i gotten on it. that would be silly. but as horrible as it felt, knowing it's my last chance, as good did it feel to not take it.

needless to say i found no other bus in the station. i thought i'd walk home and take some pics, as i had the camera with me. however, it was such a gray day, that none would've come out ok. besides, the bag was heavy on my shoulder, four books and a camera not something to carry around all over town. i got on a bus home, using up the ticket that should've gotten me to work after returning from arad, not before getting there at all.

i got home... i was in a really, really quiet mood. i still couldn't believe how i've come to miss the train, i kept seeing it leaving from under my eyes. i couldn't believe i wasn't there for the meeting. yes, i was supposed to meet someone. not really supposed, i guess, as it was meant as a surprise. and... well, if you remember the blog about the placebo concert, high and dry, i related a similar incident - with doors closing and train leaving and not saying goodbyes. believe it or not - it was that very person i wanted to meet. i phoned her, told her the whole story and went to bed to get over it, until the alarm rang and i had to go to work. however... through all the sadness and angry feelings over it, when i went to bed i had the distinct feeling that the dragon has not been sleeping, for the second time this year.

dragons and books

well, dOGTOBER fEST has come and gone. however, i decided not to blog about it (i'm a bitch, i know). all in all, it was an interesting experience. oh, and i got the chance to give a bit of a hug to a bearded dragon. no, am not talking rubbish here, there is a species of reptile called like that. they're absolutely cuddly, as their belly is very soft. also, unlike iguanas, they don't bite. i'd consider getting a pair, but unfortunately, their menu includes maggot-like things.

(by the way... as you can tell from the fact that it is pretty much down to earth, this blog is none of the ones planned. so you still have five coming up, hehe).

today i've decided to torture my hair. i do that once in a while, but in a somewhat kind fashion. today however, i really tortured it, i wouldn't be surprised if i got mad at me, if only it possessed brains of its own. luckily its brain is mine :D. so, i dyed it blue black, then i decoloured four strands and dyed them blue. it's still in the drying process so i can't tell you how it looks :) i missed having my blue strands. am really fond of them.

last week i bought myself karl may's winnetou. for those of you who don't know what i am talking about... well, shame on you, am not going to enlighten you. for those of you who do... here's the deal: winnetou is the first novel i ever read on my own. i was 8 at that time and picked a book from the shelf for the holidays. it was winnetou volume 5... i must've thought that it meant it was a five star book, i definitely didn't think it was the number of the volume :)

i loved it and cried bitter tears at the end. i was relieved to find out that there are other four books i can read. it was like i could resurrect winnetou reading the other volumes after the last one, in which he dies. that series still holds the record with 6 readings. coming up next is old surehand, by the same author with 5 readings, dune with 4 and lord of the rings with 3 (catching up fast, since i have also bought LOTR in english and am re-reading it. aloud. to polish my english).

anyways, winnetou came up in some discussion, i remembered it when editing a picture i took which i eventually named after the two main heroes' horses. and then i saw the book, published in three volumes in a bookstore two days after. guess i was meant to buy it :) my old five volumes look miserable (i tortured books i loved as a kid) and are at our cottage in the mountains anyway.

so, i am indulging in escapist readings again: the seventh winnetou, the fourth lord of the rings and the third harry potter reading. all in parallel :) am multi-tasking.

and no... in this post i refuse to complain of the amount of work i have to do. as a matter of fact, i think i am going to post this and then i am going to shut down the computer and go read. one of the three. whichever. i need that :)

so my advice for the start of the week is... go read a book people. one you like, not one you have to. it doesn't matter whether you've already read it or not, what other people think of it (i've raised some eyebrows with harry potter), what else you got on your mind, how tight your schedule is... just pick up a book and read. leave this world for a couple of hours. it's divine.

...

so... so you think you can tell... heaven from hell, blue skies from pain... can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail. a smile from a veil - do you think you can tell? did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts, hot ashes for trees, hot air for a cool breeze, cold comfort for change... did you exchange a walk-on part in a war for a lead role in a cage? how i wish... how i wish you were here. we're just two lost sould swimming in a fishbowl, year after year, running over the same old ground... what have we found? the same old fears... wish you were here...

on, and on, and on, and on... and on.

happy birthday to... me?

well, this is the blog that is long overdue. as a matter of fact, i should have written it on october, 5th. because, like any other proud blogger out there, i meant to celebrate my blog's first birthday. don't laugh, serial bloggers do that. and rightfully so, because in time, your grow fond of your blog, as you see it growing in time and yourself with it.

i've been on blogger for longer than that, with a poetry blog, but one year ago, on october 5th i decided to commit various thoughts not to paper, as i had done before, but to the internet. and thus, this very blog was born. i have planned this entry some while ago, when i looked back at older posts and wanted to comment on them, but thought i'd save it for a birthday post (which i obviously missed, but nevermind). i am glad i didn't give it up when i was on the verge of doing so... and the vast community of fans i was joking about... it's not vast, and they're (or rather you're...) not fans... but it feels good to be read by people you care about *hugs*. ok, before i get all teary and pathetic, here goes:

i laugh heartily now at my first entries, with just a couple of lines, "letting people know" of stuff, such as the adventure quest game or the new bon jovi album, upcoming games and movies i was looking forward to (namely heroes V, harry potter and narnia).

then there came the test rush... i think i did all tests available on blogthings at that moment... driving at least one of my readers mad (luv ya nevertheless) and to the delight of another test fanatic (cheers, girl!).

then there was little stuff from work that made an impression, like in the post the importance of being friendly and some lines about my work as a volunteer for ecovet. slowly but surely, however, more insightful posts... not universally insightful, but to me. and of course, the occasional rant at the stupid, stupid, stupid world we live in (and it's only just beginning...).

at the end of last year there was a two months hiatus in posting. i thought i'd give it up for good. i lacked subjects and i also resented the idea of posting in plain view of someone who'd follow my every step in the blogosphere. and then... january 10th i said what the heck. this is too important for me to have it spoilt. and i resumed, with the longest blog to that date - the list of my adventure quest vampragon pets.then came another series of tests, ecovet updates... and then began also the totally unrelated random musings that came to be a habit, as well as the long series of brokeback-related entries: first the post about the movie, then my entries of brokeback feeling :) coming up next was the long list of personalities and the related posts.

a new era was inaugurated with the looooong do chairs have dreams?... i was lacking subjects, asked a friend, he came up with the idea and i begged for the pics :D. well, from that point on, long, more or less philosophical entries started to flow. and the pics were getting better - courtesy of bogdan and of the folks of deviantart :)

the posts got longer and longer, mini reviews of past and present, with a special spotlight on the summer highlight - the placebo concert in bucharest this august.... and up to this very date. with loads going on in my life and me trying to keep posting somewhat regularly. and among the hassle, i took a break tonight to wish my blog: happy birthday.

and again... update

my vast community of fans *grin* has chided me for not posting in a while, and rightfully so, i dare say. i am not even attempting to apologize (hell, not like i needed to...), but am just assuring you that i had reasons enough. been really busy, to the point of having a bad conscience when thinking of logging in to blogger instead of seeing to more pressing (and serious, some would argue) matters. and was then way to tired to come up with a half way decent writing mood.

(for your information: i am doing this now because i promised several persons i would. i have written loads and accidentally shut down my browser window... am just re-writing this... *insert rolling eyes here*).

the project i mentioned in my previous post got approved. it's official, i got the email from the financer today. and i also got a phone call from a friend, unofficially this time, informing me how my dear colleagues who haven't moved a finger while i was writing it, are making plans on it. well, they made a slight misscalculation: me. and, as some know while others seem to be oblivious, i am not good being left out of equations that directly concern me.

also... i know that i am acting like a spoilt bitch again. i know there are loads of (more or less enthusiastic) people and/or organisations out there, who were hoping for exactly such an occasion and are disappointed; while i sit here with a winning project in my hands and experience no joy... just a somewhat grim satisfaction through gritted teeth. and sadness at the idea that i have no one to really work with. i can't really let our youngest volunteer do all the work, and i have been proven over again just how serious and reliable my colleagues are. sad enough :(

with the other organisation... we have a major event coming up this very saturday, called dOGTOBER fEST. another one-man show almost, this time run by someone else though. i have been giving a hand with the printed matters: leaflets, posters, business cards, diplomas, etc. i am likely to blog more about it after the event, so won't say much about it. just that while i was working afternoons this past week, i stayed up at night to design those materials. i have come to develop a passion for graphic design, apparently...

at work... i have come to the point of putting in my messenger status that i'm bored with it, which is no news. it still is just as comfortable and almost non-demanding, which is a disadvantage at this point. however, i do not want it to become more demanding, because i do not envision myself doing this for much longer. i knew it was way below what i can do, but it has now come to be way below what i want to do. also, i know from hearsay that they wish to take me to another project, which involves telesales (yuck) in german (yuck). i won't do that, not for triple my salary, no sirree (not like they'd offer that much).

what else? apparently i started classes - for those of you who lost track, i am studying for a masters degree in 'management and marketing in advertising' (see, designing posters isn't that far-fetched). i managed to pay my studying fee on time this time (hip-hip-hooray).

on a lighter note (and thus close to my heart): i have finally put up my webpage on my own domain name. no more commercials for me and easy ftp upload :)

also, i have uploaded my account on fotocommunity.de - i am now a paid member with full rights (i will not give you the account of the odyssey entitled "how it feels for a romanian to subscribe to an internet paying service when romanians are renowned for credit card scams on the net") - took a while but... hooray, i'm in.

linked to that - i have entered a photo contest some time ago on that very site; picture got mark 6,000 from a professional jury (winner had 8,333) and landed on place 90something (i thought it was 99, but there are several with the same mark) out of 1352 entries. which i declared was great, since my goal was the first third and... i obviously achieved that :D

otherwise... not much to report i guess. or nothing that would make it to the blog. i'll try keeping up some sort of a rhythm with the posts - i have another four coming up, one that was due over two weeks ago and while talking with seraphimovic, he gave me the idea for another one. so five blogs are waiting in line. you will be fed. howgh!

flashback

do you happen to have memory flashbacks triggered by smells? i do. actually i think they make up the majority of my flashbacks. it's 4 a.m. and i just had one and then followed the flow of thought.

i am at work, i went to the bathroom and when i opened the door to the other corridor, the smell hit me for just a fraction of second. i can't really say what it was... maybe cleaned moquette and warm printer's toner... i am not even sure what it reminded me of, since it was such a short thing. i just knew i had smelled that before and it already slipped back into the subconscious.

the closest association that i could make consciously, several seconds (an eternity) later... was a summer's day... back in highschool... i went to my mum's office... she was still working at the dept. for international relations at the uni... they had laid new moquettes on the floor, dark blue... i went there... my mum had an internet connection (omg!)... i hanged out for a couple of hours, she was busy sorting papers as she had just moved in the office... i surfed... i registered on a bon jovi fan site... (when i googled my name - yeah, i do that - a year ago or so i found my ad there)... i printed loads of articles... interviews... i still have them, in a file... most of them come from that day... i had a new pair of jeans... light blue, really light blue... my mum's colleague remarked upon them... the next pair of that colour, i bought a couple of years ago... summer jeans, not the kind i usually wear... and a beige top, with a light blue 'blind' logo... i wore both when i was out with colleagues in the town center... gathering signatures for something... i was young and... not stupid... definitely not... but hoplessly idealistic... even if some old bastard stopped at some point... and said he wished communists were back... then we would all burn in ovens... that was the nazis, asshole... go die your pitiful lonely death... your grandchildren probably hate you, you children don't talk to you and no one would show up for your funeral anyway...

then... the film stopped. back to reality - i'm a bit cold, i'm wearing the jeans again that have the buttons that give me an itch, and i have a slight toothache (no, my friend, i have not gone to the dentist yet). i love these experiences... they have amazing an accuracy of every recording - sound, sight, temperature, the way the light was falling, the smell and how i felt at the moment.

i have lost that idealism. i got the confirmation today that the project proposal i submitted for financing got through the first phase of evaluation... i need to send in some more details for it to be taken into consideration. i don't want to do it. i have no one to do it with. no one i can rely upon when it gets down rough. i lack the enthusiasm. i have proven myself that i can do it and am not tempted anymore. i don't have or don't want to find the time. i have other things to focus on, things that bring me more satisfaction. i have moved on and hung my superhero costume in the closet... let it rot there.

in some ways, i resent that. in others, i know it's better like this. better for me, anyway. but then again, that is selfish. but selfishness in this case is a matter of self-preservation. it's all so darn complicated, duties and desires. and now what? am i to decide whether classicism or romanticism have the upper hand? choose between the two? i know it sounds absurd but i so wanted the application to be rejected... to have the decision taken off my hands...

choices again, and i do not want to make them and even less do i want to act upon them, stick to them and promise myself i won't regret. i had pushed it to the back of my mind, wanting to scratch a thing off my list. make this a halfway quiet autumn.

ps: the cobwebs i mentioned missing in the previous post: it's full of them :)

... autumn thoughts ...

well, here i am... i have signed in to blogger several times... i was meaning to blog about various stuff but found i am not in the mood to... i still have two blogs that i am probably going to write at some point... just not yet.

i've just looked outside the window... it's 7:30 pm and it's already getting dark. yesterday, it was pouring down from the skies relentlessly. i guess autumn is here after all. though only two days ago it was closing in to 30 degrees...

i was just thinking today... you know those fine long silvery cobweb lines that sometimes hang in the air all over the place in early autumn? there's a saying around here, if there's many cobwebs like that, it's going to be a long autumn. i haven't seen any of them and yet... it's an autumn like i don't remember having seen often. it's... for a lack of a better word, golden. there's that soft, ripe golden glow in the air... the leaves are just beginning to get coloured - amazingly late.

well... so much for autumn thoughts. it is good to drift away in lyric thoughts of leaves and rain, as opposed to the thoughts that come alive at night. i didn't let them, though. been having a six-days mini-vacation of staying in the house... sleeping all day, playing games all night. the virtual world of antiquity is just as good an escape as any... if not better.

am back at work today, so i might be online more often the following days (well, except for the weekend). i have many things on my "have to do" list to catch up with, unfortunately. and i was too lazy and too lacking enthusiasm to do any of the "want to do"s. so except my site... nothing new on that front either.

ps: picture is called "when september ends" and belongs to martina woll