strike of genius

... or maybe not :) sometime during this day i will post a new blog (hopefully... you know how my posting promises go...). nothing new, really, it's something i've posted on the forum, but took me quite some time to write, so... why not recycle? :) also, an update is due.

anyways, i was thinking... - it's not an original idea, i got it from some other blogger - of doing a feature on the blog. so if you (think you) are among the approved readers of this blog and there is anything you wish to say here rather than on your own blog or somewhere else or whatever... just go ahead.

write me a mail containing your text; maybe put your post's title in the subject line or otherwise make it plain to see. also feel free to add pics if there are any particular ones you wish included and state your pen-name :), it will go in the title too.

i will think of something (prolly another dragon :) )to replace the little blue dragon at the start of (most of) my posts, to also visually identify feature posts.

let's see whether something comes out of this :)

Zaraza - part two

Let's see how you're doing: you haven't changed your car, you've got no villa and you didn't get a mobile with bluetooth, like all the fancy people do.

You didn't kiss ass to build a career. You spent all your money on books, movies and travels.

If you keep it up in the coming year, you are sure to win all our respect. From Zaraza, to all those who understand that you are made a gentleman by what you know, not own... Respect!

Zaraza part one

Zaraza greets all those who don't appear in magazines, those who don't have fancy cars, teenage girlfriends or spectacular political careers.

Zaraza congratulates all those who know what "fortuitously" means and those for whom Kafka isn't a Czech football player.

From Zaraza, for the true gentlemen in Romania... Respect!

2006

yeah, i know. it's not over yet. and i hate summing up things. as i mentioned somewhere else, i dread looking under lines to see what i end up with. but since i've already done it elsewhere... why not post it here as well. a reminder for future generations :)

on the outside... better than 2005 in some ways. professionally and financially mostly. and i sometimes feel like an arsehole for complaining because of that. also on the plus side of things, there was an accomplishment i suppose i should be proud of and yet another international experience.

on the inside... a calmer year on interpersonal level... what struggles there were, they were the aftermath of 2005 so it's yesterday's snow really. the big plus here is a big thank you to my guardian angel; an unforgettable august night; and some dear friends.

the big minus goes to my more and more pregnant lack of enthusiasm, appreciation, trust, faith, hope and will to change. a lesson i should've learned and i constantly fail (though that is not such a good thing; wanting to pass is) and a promise i keep making to myself... and breaking. and i hate promise-breakers. i know i didn't make much sense, but bear with me. i honestly do know what i am talking about, it makes perfect sense to me.

this is what i posted as a sum-up. i didn't want to go into detail there.

i can't deny it was a good year from those two points of view. i earn quite some money and quite easily. i know many a person would like my job. but it's wearing me down, turning me into someone i don't want to be. i'm afraid it's one of the things that will need seeing into in 2007. not that i believe in new year's resolutions anymore.

my so called accomplishment that everyone says looks good in a cv is more of a headache than a reason for joy to me. and, hey, people, i don't care about my cv. i don't care about career.

amsterdam was great. the project filled me, at least short-term with enthusiasm. well, am paying for that mistake now. meant to go back there in autumn, but nikon got the best of me :) however... it's a city worth the wait and worth a good camera, too :) i was considering summer but might make that spring. maybe a truly lavish birthday present to myself.

most echoes of 2005's troubles just managed to die out short of the end of this year. what bonds still tie me to days passed, i mean to sever in may. more about that in may, however :) (considering i'll be still alive, conscious, able to write and willing).

surviving with a mere bruise an accident in which others break their spine i suppose is a good thing to be counted at the end of the year. good to have a dragon near. as for the august night... i suppose most people reading know what i mean :) i don't believe in a drug stronger than that. the friends... also know, i presume. or hope.

the downside of things... well, that is something i still need to sort out with myself. as said, i don't believe in new year's resolutions anymore. those are destined to be broken. i am at the moment looking for something worth believing in. well... i can wait. there's no hurry. there are other years to come. or so they say. it needn't be mystic, or noble or some higher goal. just something to keep me going. and... i just remembered a song very dear to me that i haven't listened to in quite a while...

in a world that gives you nothing...
i need something... to believe in.

ps: yep, second pic by marcin stawiarz again. i'll get there, someday :)

someone call the ambulance...

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||||| 74% Schizoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 62% Antisocial |||||||||||||||| 66% Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Histrionic |||||| 30% Narcissistic |||||| 26% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 70% Dependent |||||||||||||| 54% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||| 42%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

some news

quick post:

for those of you who knew about my previous forum and / or used to post in it...
can't get that back, but i've set up another one.
still having smiley trouble, but it's functional.
you are very welcome to post there.
i will not make the address public.
if interested, please mail me and i'll send you the link.
oh, please use the du.shurtugal[at]gmail[dot]com addy.
i check that one daily.

stone sour - bother

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit

i can't help it *grin*

arguing trouble

i have a problem arguing with males who's iq ranges from halfway intelligent upwards. i don't argue with stupid ones on principle. because they are bound to run out of arguments. which isn't that bad, but then there's another thing they are bound to get to and those are sexist remarks of some sorts. whether it will imply the woman = no brains theory or the you need to go get laid routine, in 99,9% of the cases, stupid males will get there.

so, that only leaves halfway intelligent or intelligent people to argue with. not all too many, i dare mention >:) . now you may say that the arguing issues with only halfway intelligent males don't cover such a wide range of topics. it is rather narrow and rather simple, too. perhaps not always worth arguing. however, it happens so for this theory's sake, we consider them subjects of this post too.

so, what is it that doesn't let me argue things out properly, since we established it is neither the issue in discussion, neither the other's intelligence. well... i don't know whether it's a typical male thing, but i'd venture to say yes. and i also dare say it only occurs when they argue with a female (unbelieveably so, but i am a part of that sorry half of the species).

now, in an argument, things are bound to heat up. i generally don't hold people completely responsible for what they throw into the battle in its heat. it's all about dealing strikes to the mental construct of the other, after all. however, occasionally, whether by intention or not, those strikes hit home hard. not with the construct, but with the person. it shouldn't happen in a 'clean' arguement, but sometimes it does.

i must admit i am selfish enough not to have noticed the behaviour of others when i was the one to draw blood and i probably did it enough times. to my defense - i didn't observe my reaction either until the idea i am building towards has occured to me. but generally, there are two types of reaction i have when receiving such hits. if they hit really, really hard, i may strike back and strike back hard. i know i can be darn cruel. the other one, which determines a patterned response from my male arguing partners is... "ouch".

it is a statement of the fact that a certain retort really hurt. a mere acknowledgement of the hit taken and possibly a warning that to further insist on that particular point would only cause pain. what i would expect as a response would be the taking of the argument back to a more abstract level. going back from the persons involved to the issue at hand. however, what i got, in four cases with four different persons was... retreat. immediate and unconditional. there was an excuse and a dropping of the whole thing. that leaves me completely unsatisfied. first, because i consider the argument non-productive, since nothing was sorted out; second, because the male retreats and i'm left licking my wounds and brooding over what has caused them.

my guess is that at the "hey, you've hurt me" signal, they get scared. scared of crossing an unwritten line in treating a woman or perhaps going back to the sense that was taught to them in their upbringing. in neither case was the issue picked up again to be argued over. if ever mentioned, it was an apology and an assurance that everything is ok.

now, besides the already mentioned lack of satisfaction of having sorted things out one way or another, there is something else that troubles me. it hit me a couple of days after the one with the argument when i became aware of that patternt, while reconsidering it. i think that women use that precise thing in arguments with men to either win or stop them. make them feel like jerks for hurting them, let them boil in that feeling and then get what you want as ransom for easing their conscience. a mechanism of inter-sex manipulation. i might be paranoic, but i think it is quite often the case.

honestly... i felt like shit every time it happened to me. they felt like shit and i felt like shit for making them feel that way. that was definitely not the purpose. and those are definitely not the cheap tricks i like to use. if puppy eyes don't work, that's it for me in matters of emotional blackmail. that's as far as i go. of course i sulk. sulking is normal. i don't expect anyone to react to it. i get riled up when they do and i generally refuse whatever peace pipe is offered. if i didn't get something when asking, i definitely won't accept it as bribe to stop feeling bad about something or someone.

thus, i worry that my "ouch, you've hurt me" in an argument might be perceived as some sort of backdoor women use to have their way. or their point. or their whatever. i hate sexist stereotypes. i dislike being labelled in general and i dread being labeled for what's between my legs. i've waged war on such labels as far back as i can remember to the point of doing stuff out of sheer spite of precisely those neatly prescribed patterns of behaviour. and i ended up having arguing trouble... :(

one day....

i seem to see ahead in a kind of way. i know we are going to take a very long road, into darkness; but i know i can't turn back. it isn't to see elves now, nor dragons, nor mountains, that i want - i don't rightly know what i want: but i have something to do before the end, and it lies ahead.

j.r.r. tolkien, the lord of the rings, book one, chapter IV - a shortcut to mushrooms

not now... but some day... when the darnkess lifts... i'll see the Road... and i'll bear this in mind. i have something to do. something that i owe myself. and it lies ahead. and elves and dragons will always surround me.

the toilet blog

how many people out there watch(ed) ally mcbeal? ok, ok, lower your hands, no need to poke my eyes out. i just needed a smart introduction. well, even if you've only fleetingly watched the series, you will have noticed that some of the best, funniest, smartest, most interesting, revealing and important moments of an episode's plot happens not in the courtroom or in the office, but in.... the toilet.

whether it's the biscuit gathering courage in front of the mirror by doing barry white impressions, people making love in the stalls, conversations being overheard, or just meaningful sighs of characters while looking at their own reflections... it happened there. of course, the fact that it was a unisex toilet was important in all this. and it's usually the "oh, i didn't know you were here" thing that played a part.

well, i hate public toilets. i hate the fact that people who happen to be in the room hear you peeing. i know, i know, it's natural to pee and the toilet is the place to do it. but i don't like it. it's even worse with poo. and god forbid you need to fart. that's downright embarrassing - toilet or not.

when i go to the toilet at work, and there's someone there at the sink or in the other stall... i usually wait until they leave the bathroom before i get out of my stall. don't ask why. i just don't consider public toilets a place to look strangers in the eyes. am i weird in this?

now don't tell me i'm weird just for writing about it. there are serious, scientific surveys about bathroom behaviour. people get paid for putting toilet users in categories according to toilet rituals, the way they fold their paper, wash their hands, what they do while peeing or pooing or how they keep their trousers while sitting on the throne. there is nothing off with my post here, seriously. i was just expressing some apprehension towards public toilest.

i might be too prude for all i know. but toilets should make you feel comfortable and safe. you should know no one is busting in on you, no one overhears any weird noises you might make - be it sighs of relief or concentration or just a plop in the water, where you don't hear others gossiping, possibly even about you; where you can spend some quality time with yourself, being excused from the world with a very acceptable and undeniable reason; where you can relax reading instructions from detergent bottles of have a good time with your favourite book, and maybe a bottle of coke next to you or just meditating about insightful and deep philosophical issues. under no circumstance should it be a place where you mind social conventions and have cramps because you force yourself not to make sounds...

well... so much musings for today. excuse me... am off to read a book ;)

sorry, folks...

... to impede your direct communication with me (i know you are all dying to do that, of course ;) ). however, there is someone reading this blog who seems inconsiderate enough not to want to take hints, who doesn't mind having her comments deleted and who continues to bug me despite all requests to stop. proof thereof is in the comment below, which, unlike others by the same person, i have chosen not to delete so you can see it.

thus, i see myself forced to turn on comment moderation on my blog. your comments will thus appear only after they have been manually approved by me. i check my mail frecquently enough to ensure that that happes as soon as possible. sorry for the inconvenience, but i have had it.

and you, my dear, instead of declaring your endless love to me, had better return what is mine and then let it be. by that i mean my books that i have lent you over a year ago. it was before christmas last year that you promised to return them via a friend - none have reached me so far. i would've appreciated that more than undercover birthday presents (by the way, i'm not that stupid) that i neither needed nor wanted and that i am sorry to inform you, i have thrown away.

hasta la vista.

trains hate me... but someone loves me

saturday morning. 7:15 am. i am calling a taxi. no car available. darn! i phone the next company. car'll be there in 2-3 minutes. i take my bag and go outside. time passes, i'm cold, no taxi in sight. i am getting nervous. suddenly, a cab from the firm i called passes by. i jump, wave, but the idiot drives on. guess he mistook the address.

7:25. i head to the nearest taxi station - no one parked there. 7:32. no chance i'll make it. i go to the next taxi station. no car parked as far as i can see. there, one is coming, the driver's buying a paper, heads back to the car by the time i reach him. i get in, he looks at me in expectancy. i sigh. "to the station. not that i've not already missed the train, but... the the station, anyway".

dunno why i insisted, but i thought i might just as well make certain i at least tried... maybe the train won't leave precisely when it's supposed to. "what time's your train at?" "7.46" he looks at his mobile's clock. then he steps hard on the gas pedal. 6 minutes left. it was like in the movies. the guy is racing. i kinda smiled at some point. i might actually make it. he stops, i give him the money. he wishes me luck, tells me not to waste time.

i don't recall ever getting on even so much as a tram without a ticket. never. i abhor that. however, i wasted no time. don't know why, but decided to forget about the ticket. i went straight to the platform. as i enter platform 1, i hear the loudspeakers. clearly, this time. train leaving at 7:46 from line 8.

i hurry, there are trains at lines 1 and 2 - the intercity to budapest i think, and some train to bucharest. there are also two trains at the other end of the station. i forget all about counting lines, i hurry to catch the train. in some weird sheepish upsurge i board the train the persons in front of me are boarding. they enter a compartment. i lean against the wall, catch my breath. i feel my feet melting. i can't believe i made it. i get my wallet ready - this is gonna get expensive. either 150% of the ticket price, if the ticket collector believes me, or a fine. it never crossed my mind to try getting away with it.

then it hits me. i remembered that at the same time, from two lines next to each other, two trains head to two different directions. i get off, try finding a board on one of the trains - none there. i go to the front of the wagons, there, i can see boards. i look at my train: canrasebes. darn! thank got i had gotten off, it was the wrong one. i turn to jump on the other, and............... the train is just going by, doors closed, gaining speed... i just about see the arad-sign going by me. the precise place where i should be in two hours.

i'm stricken. at first, i just stare at the train. i can't believe this is happening. it would've been better to get to the station and find that the train has left. but i was in one. i go to the information desk. next train is leaving at 11:50, way too late. i had to be in arad around 10:00 and catch the 13:00 train back in order to make it to work at 15:00. i got out of the train station and decided to see if i can catch a bus. i headed towards the bus station and...

well, if you don't believe in signs and portents skip the next paragraphs. i am not sure i believe either, but... i don't consider seeing any too often, so i am pretty determined to pay attention. i was right the three or four times i've had them. those might have been coincidences, so might have been this feeling i had, but in the end i made the decision to mind it.

on the way to the bus station, i saw a mini-van. i know them, they go two or three time a day on the route timisoara-arad-oradea. it was still waiting for passengers. i could've gotten on it and would've made it to arad in time. or maybe not. my folks had left town friday morning. the evening before, my mum asked with a worried look on her face how i was going to get to arad. i jokingly answered "by train, of course".

now, my mum really is the worrying kind. OH, YEAH! but i knew what was on her mind: lately, there have been loads of accidents in which minivans have been involved, of the kind i saw before me, the latest wednesday afternoon, on its way to... arad. no wonder - i've been to oradea once with such one and i know how they drive. i also know the roads in romania. i kind of promised my mum i wouldn't take a minivan, which seemed totally unimportant then, as i was sure i would go by train.

i kept looking at it, and i kept wanting to get on it. i was scolding myself and telling myself that i am being ridiculous, and what the hell, it's not like this precise one was going to have an accident. but i had a really bad feeling. i thought it was bad conscience for wanting to do something i had told my mum i wouldn't do, i was pissed off at myself. then i turned around and walked on.

because i had recalled the day and decided that i believe in coincidences. but not in that many happening at once. one evening before, a friend of mine who wanted to come along told me she can't make it. then in the morning: first, there is no cab. then the one i call passes by. first station - again no cab, second station - no cab, but i just happen to get the only one coming in. i never ever get on anything without a ticket, but i decide to do just that. out of two possible trains, i actually get into the wrong one! had i than looked first at the other's destination shield, i might have gotten on, but i looked on mine. i know there is basically no chance to find a bus, but i go to the station and on my way, doors wide open i find... the minivan i told my mum i wouldn't take.

well, call me silly, call me a chicken, call me superstitious. i believe that something happened that day. whether i wasn't supposed to get to arad at all... or whether i was supposed to find that precise minivan... i don't know. but you wouldn't believe the relief i felt walking away from there. it's not like that van had an accident, as far as i know. and i am not going to say that it would've, had i gotten on it. that would be silly. but as horrible as it felt, knowing it's my last chance, as good did it feel to not take it.

needless to say i found no other bus in the station. i thought i'd walk home and take some pics, as i had the camera with me. however, it was such a gray day, that none would've come out ok. besides, the bag was heavy on my shoulder, four books and a camera not something to carry around all over town. i got on a bus home, using up the ticket that should've gotten me to work after returning from arad, not before getting there at all.

i got home... i was in a really, really quiet mood. i still couldn't believe how i've come to miss the train, i kept seeing it leaving from under my eyes. i couldn't believe i wasn't there for the meeting. yes, i was supposed to meet someone. not really supposed, i guess, as it was meant as a surprise. and... well, if you remember the blog about the placebo concert, high and dry, i related a similar incident - with doors closing and train leaving and not saying goodbyes. believe it or not - it was that very person i wanted to meet. i phoned her, told her the whole story and went to bed to get over it, until the alarm rang and i had to go to work. however... through all the sadness and angry feelings over it, when i went to bed i had the distinct feeling that the dragon has not been sleeping, for the second time this year.

dragons and books

well, dOGTOBER fEST has come and gone. however, i decided not to blog about it (i'm a bitch, i know). all in all, it was an interesting experience. oh, and i got the chance to give a bit of a hug to a bearded dragon. no, am not talking rubbish here, there is a species of reptile called like that. they're absolutely cuddly, as their belly is very soft. also, unlike iguanas, they don't bite. i'd consider getting a pair, but unfortunately, their menu includes maggot-like things.

(by the way... as you can tell from the fact that it is pretty much down to earth, this blog is none of the ones planned. so you still have five coming up, hehe).

today i've decided to torture my hair. i do that once in a while, but in a somewhat kind fashion. today however, i really tortured it, i wouldn't be surprised if i got mad at me, if only it possessed brains of its own. luckily its brain is mine :D. so, i dyed it blue black, then i decoloured four strands and dyed them blue. it's still in the drying process so i can't tell you how it looks :) i missed having my blue strands. am really fond of them.

last week i bought myself karl may's winnetou. for those of you who don't know what i am talking about... well, shame on you, am not going to enlighten you. for those of you who do... here's the deal: winnetou is the first novel i ever read on my own. i was 8 at that time and picked a book from the shelf for the holidays. it was winnetou volume 5... i must've thought that it meant it was a five star book, i definitely didn't think it was the number of the volume :)

i loved it and cried bitter tears at the end. i was relieved to find out that there are other four books i can read. it was like i could resurrect winnetou reading the other volumes after the last one, in which he dies. that series still holds the record with 6 readings. coming up next is old surehand, by the same author with 5 readings, dune with 4 and lord of the rings with 3 (catching up fast, since i have also bought LOTR in english and am re-reading it. aloud. to polish my english).

anyways, winnetou came up in some discussion, i remembered it when editing a picture i took which i eventually named after the two main heroes' horses. and then i saw the book, published in three volumes in a bookstore two days after. guess i was meant to buy it :) my old five volumes look miserable (i tortured books i loved as a kid) and are at our cottage in the mountains anyway.

so, i am indulging in escapist readings again: the seventh winnetou, the fourth lord of the rings and the third harry potter reading. all in parallel :) am multi-tasking.

and no... in this post i refuse to complain of the amount of work i have to do. as a matter of fact, i think i am going to post this and then i am going to shut down the computer and go read. one of the three. whichever. i need that :)

so my advice for the start of the week is... go read a book people. one you like, not one you have to. it doesn't matter whether you've already read it or not, what other people think of it (i've raised some eyebrows with harry potter), what else you got on your mind, how tight your schedule is... just pick up a book and read. leave this world for a couple of hours. it's divine.

...

so... so you think you can tell... heaven from hell, blue skies from pain... can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail. a smile from a veil - do you think you can tell? did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts, hot ashes for trees, hot air for a cool breeze, cold comfort for change... did you exchange a walk-on part in a war for a lead role in a cage? how i wish... how i wish you were here. we're just two lost sould swimming in a fishbowl, year after year, running over the same old ground... what have we found? the same old fears... wish you were here...

on, and on, and on, and on... and on.

happy birthday to... me?

well, this is the blog that is long overdue. as a matter of fact, i should have written it on october, 5th. because, like any other proud blogger out there, i meant to celebrate my blog's first birthday. don't laugh, serial bloggers do that. and rightfully so, because in time, your grow fond of your blog, as you see it growing in time and yourself with it.

i've been on blogger for longer than that, with a poetry blog, but one year ago, on october 5th i decided to commit various thoughts not to paper, as i had done before, but to the internet. and thus, this very blog was born. i have planned this entry some while ago, when i looked back at older posts and wanted to comment on them, but thought i'd save it for a birthday post (which i obviously missed, but nevermind). i am glad i didn't give it up when i was on the verge of doing so... and the vast community of fans i was joking about... it's not vast, and they're (or rather you're...) not fans... but it feels good to be read by people you care about *hugs*. ok, before i get all teary and pathetic, here goes:

i laugh heartily now at my first entries, with just a couple of lines, "letting people know" of stuff, such as the adventure quest game or the new bon jovi album, upcoming games and movies i was looking forward to (namely heroes V, harry potter and narnia).

then there came the test rush... i think i did all tests available on blogthings at that moment... driving at least one of my readers mad (luv ya nevertheless) and to the delight of another test fanatic (cheers, girl!).

then there was little stuff from work that made an impression, like in the post the importance of being friendly and some lines about my work as a volunteer for ecovet. slowly but surely, however, more insightful posts... not universally insightful, but to me. and of course, the occasional rant at the stupid, stupid, stupid world we live in (and it's only just beginning...).

at the end of last year there was a two months hiatus in posting. i thought i'd give it up for good. i lacked subjects and i also resented the idea of posting in plain view of someone who'd follow my every step in the blogosphere. and then... january 10th i said what the heck. this is too important for me to have it spoilt. and i resumed, with the longest blog to that date - the list of my adventure quest vampragon pets.then came another series of tests, ecovet updates... and then began also the totally unrelated random musings that came to be a habit, as well as the long series of brokeback-related entries: first the post about the movie, then my entries of brokeback feeling :) coming up next was the long list of personalities and the related posts.

a new era was inaugurated with the looooong do chairs have dreams?... i was lacking subjects, asked a friend, he came up with the idea and i begged for the pics :D. well, from that point on, long, more or less philosophical entries started to flow. and the pics were getting better - courtesy of bogdan and of the folks of deviantart :)

the posts got longer and longer, mini reviews of past and present, with a special spotlight on the summer highlight - the placebo concert in bucharest this august.... and up to this very date. with loads going on in my life and me trying to keep posting somewhat regularly. and among the hassle, i took a break tonight to wish my blog: happy birthday.

and again... update

my vast community of fans *grin* has chided me for not posting in a while, and rightfully so, i dare say. i am not even attempting to apologize (hell, not like i needed to...), but am just assuring you that i had reasons enough. been really busy, to the point of having a bad conscience when thinking of logging in to blogger instead of seeing to more pressing (and serious, some would argue) matters. and was then way to tired to come up with a half way decent writing mood.

(for your information: i am doing this now because i promised several persons i would. i have written loads and accidentally shut down my browser window... am just re-writing this... *insert rolling eyes here*).

the project i mentioned in my previous post got approved. it's official, i got the email from the financer today. and i also got a phone call from a friend, unofficially this time, informing me how my dear colleagues who haven't moved a finger while i was writing it, are making plans on it. well, they made a slight misscalculation: me. and, as some know while others seem to be oblivious, i am not good being left out of equations that directly concern me.

also... i know that i am acting like a spoilt bitch again. i know there are loads of (more or less enthusiastic) people and/or organisations out there, who were hoping for exactly such an occasion and are disappointed; while i sit here with a winning project in my hands and experience no joy... just a somewhat grim satisfaction through gritted teeth. and sadness at the idea that i have no one to really work with. i can't really let our youngest volunteer do all the work, and i have been proven over again just how serious and reliable my colleagues are. sad enough :(

with the other organisation... we have a major event coming up this very saturday, called dOGTOBER fEST. another one-man show almost, this time run by someone else though. i have been giving a hand with the printed matters: leaflets, posters, business cards, diplomas, etc. i am likely to blog more about it after the event, so won't say much about it. just that while i was working afternoons this past week, i stayed up at night to design those materials. i have come to develop a passion for graphic design, apparently...

at work... i have come to the point of putting in my messenger status that i'm bored with it, which is no news. it still is just as comfortable and almost non-demanding, which is a disadvantage at this point. however, i do not want it to become more demanding, because i do not envision myself doing this for much longer. i knew it was way below what i can do, but it has now come to be way below what i want to do. also, i know from hearsay that they wish to take me to another project, which involves telesales (yuck) in german (yuck). i won't do that, not for triple my salary, no sirree (not like they'd offer that much).

what else? apparently i started classes - for those of you who lost track, i am studying for a masters degree in 'management and marketing in advertising' (see, designing posters isn't that far-fetched). i managed to pay my studying fee on time this time (hip-hip-hooray).

on a lighter note (and thus close to my heart): i have finally put up my webpage on my own domain name. no more commercials for me and easy ftp upload :)

also, i have uploaded my account on fotocommunity.de - i am now a paid member with full rights (i will not give you the account of the odyssey entitled "how it feels for a romanian to subscribe to an internet paying service when romanians are renowned for credit card scams on the net") - took a while but... hooray, i'm in.

linked to that - i have entered a photo contest some time ago on that very site; picture got mark 6,000 from a professional jury (winner had 8,333) and landed on place 90something (i thought it was 99, but there are several with the same mark) out of 1352 entries. which i declared was great, since my goal was the first third and... i obviously achieved that :D

otherwise... not much to report i guess. or nothing that would make it to the blog. i'll try keeping up some sort of a rhythm with the posts - i have another four coming up, one that was due over two weeks ago and while talking with seraphimovic, he gave me the idea for another one. so five blogs are waiting in line. you will be fed. howgh!

flashback

do you happen to have memory flashbacks triggered by smells? i do. actually i think they make up the majority of my flashbacks. it's 4 a.m. and i just had one and then followed the flow of thought.

i am at work, i went to the bathroom and when i opened the door to the other corridor, the smell hit me for just a fraction of second. i can't really say what it was... maybe cleaned moquette and warm printer's toner... i am not even sure what it reminded me of, since it was such a short thing. i just knew i had smelled that before and it already slipped back into the subconscious.

the closest association that i could make consciously, several seconds (an eternity) later... was a summer's day... back in highschool... i went to my mum's office... she was still working at the dept. for international relations at the uni... they had laid new moquettes on the floor, dark blue... i went there... my mum had an internet connection (omg!)... i hanged out for a couple of hours, she was busy sorting papers as she had just moved in the office... i surfed... i registered on a bon jovi fan site... (when i googled my name - yeah, i do that - a year ago or so i found my ad there)... i printed loads of articles... interviews... i still have them, in a file... most of them come from that day... i had a new pair of jeans... light blue, really light blue... my mum's colleague remarked upon them... the next pair of that colour, i bought a couple of years ago... summer jeans, not the kind i usually wear... and a beige top, with a light blue 'blind' logo... i wore both when i was out with colleagues in the town center... gathering signatures for something... i was young and... not stupid... definitely not... but hoplessly idealistic... even if some old bastard stopped at some point... and said he wished communists were back... then we would all burn in ovens... that was the nazis, asshole... go die your pitiful lonely death... your grandchildren probably hate you, you children don't talk to you and no one would show up for your funeral anyway...

then... the film stopped. back to reality - i'm a bit cold, i'm wearing the jeans again that have the buttons that give me an itch, and i have a slight toothache (no, my friend, i have not gone to the dentist yet). i love these experiences... they have amazing an accuracy of every recording - sound, sight, temperature, the way the light was falling, the smell and how i felt at the moment.

i have lost that idealism. i got the confirmation today that the project proposal i submitted for financing got through the first phase of evaluation... i need to send in some more details for it to be taken into consideration. i don't want to do it. i have no one to do it with. no one i can rely upon when it gets down rough. i lack the enthusiasm. i have proven myself that i can do it and am not tempted anymore. i don't have or don't want to find the time. i have other things to focus on, things that bring me more satisfaction. i have moved on and hung my superhero costume in the closet... let it rot there.

in some ways, i resent that. in others, i know it's better like this. better for me, anyway. but then again, that is selfish. but selfishness in this case is a matter of self-preservation. it's all so darn complicated, duties and desires. and now what? am i to decide whether classicism or romanticism have the upper hand? choose between the two? i know it sounds absurd but i so wanted the application to be rejected... to have the decision taken off my hands...

choices again, and i do not want to make them and even less do i want to act upon them, stick to them and promise myself i won't regret. i had pushed it to the back of my mind, wanting to scratch a thing off my list. make this a halfway quiet autumn.

ps: the cobwebs i mentioned missing in the previous post: it's full of them :)

... autumn thoughts ...

well, here i am... i have signed in to blogger several times... i was meaning to blog about various stuff but found i am not in the mood to... i still have two blogs that i am probably going to write at some point... just not yet.

i've just looked outside the window... it's 7:30 pm and it's already getting dark. yesterday, it was pouring down from the skies relentlessly. i guess autumn is here after all. though only two days ago it was closing in to 30 degrees...

i was just thinking today... you know those fine long silvery cobweb lines that sometimes hang in the air all over the place in early autumn? there's a saying around here, if there's many cobwebs like that, it's going to be a long autumn. i haven't seen any of them and yet... it's an autumn like i don't remember having seen often. it's... for a lack of a better word, golden. there's that soft, ripe golden glow in the air... the leaves are just beginning to get coloured - amazingly late.

well... so much for autumn thoughts. it is good to drift away in lyric thoughts of leaves and rain, as opposed to the thoughts that come alive at night. i didn't let them, though. been having a six-days mini-vacation of staying in the house... sleeping all day, playing games all night. the virtual world of antiquity is just as good an escape as any... if not better.

am back at work today, so i might be online more often the following days (well, except for the weekend). i have many things on my "have to do" list to catch up with, unfortunately. and i was too lazy and too lacking enthusiasm to do any of the "want to do"s. so except my site... nothing new on that front either.

ps: picture is called "when september ends" and belongs to martina woll

choices...

i was re-reading some of my latest posts in this blog. and i've come to realise somthing... something important, i think.

and that is the fact that who i am today and where i stand is mostly the result of the choices i've made. and looking back... some of them were good choices, others were less good. most of them were the best i could've made in a given situation; a few were the only ones i had. alltogether, however, there are few situations in which my hand was forced one way or the other. or rather, to be more precise, few situations of which i am aware that happened.

i was looking at some of the people i know... friends... colleagues... acquaintences... relatives... at their lives. some of them are worse off. many others are what may be considered "better off" under various aspects. and... well, the good news is, i wouldn't want to walk in any of their shoes.

and then, back to me... i considered the other options i had at various points in my life. of course there is room for improvement. there are things that i would like to have done differently. however... no major ones (yay, even more good news).

because, in the end... even though it pains me that there are things i am not, things i haven't done, things i don't have... i know very well that i couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror had i taken another road. as i've stated before, there simply are prices i am not willing to pay, however much it hurts me. there is a certain line i draw and i try hard to go no notch below that. i've been called inflexible, irrational, stubborn, impulsive, cold hearted, uncaring and a sucker for that. i may be all that and more, but still the choices that brought me here were mine. and i stand by them to this very day.

and somehow... it's a good feeling. i may not be happy with who i am today and i may not be happy with where i stand. but i know i am here and now mostly as a result of my own choices, influenced or not. and there is little else who or where i could be and not only not love myself, but not being able to live with myself. with that in mind... it's somehow easier to face the choices to come. some of which are maybe some of the hardest yet. and some of which... are not mine to make :(

ps: images by kyoji and frixin on deviantart.com

saved by the T

not the post i meant to write.... but somehow i'm too depressed to be depressed. or too depressed to write another pointless depressive mumbled rant that doesn't interest anyone anyway.

so i remember stumbling upon this site a couple of days ago... i was slightly amused by it. didn't fall off the chair with laughter, but it smoothed a wrinkle or two. now, who knows who dustin diamond is? somebody? anybody? don't google it, i'll spare you the trouble.

it's the guy who played screech in the saved by the bell series. you know those, right? well, he kinda faded from public attention afterwards. it's the merciless, pitiable fate of child stars. well, screw you kids, you've had your five minutes of fame, now get the hell outta here.

well, dustin didn't want to fade away. so he - or some smart PR person - came up with the idea of this site. i wonder how many people actually laught at it and in memory of good ol' times actually buy the t-shirts. for half a minute i considered getting one too but... hey, that's the equivalent of a filter for my camera and i have my priorities well sorted out ;)

anyways, here's the banner with the link to the site. read. marvel. smile... even if just a bit.

greedy bastards

i had just complained about the fucking money, hadn't i? of how much i hate money, depending on them, needing them for anything, having to do for them what i don't like...

well, here's another dish for you. no, actually two.

greedy bastards part one: i got sick of discussions on internet forums stating that women are interested creatures, who're dating guys for... well, not necessarily money, but gains of sorts: appartment, fancy lifestyle, going out, prestige, careers, being driven around, holidays, getting more or less expensive gifts. not necessarily the cash, but what the cash brings.

yesterday - tv show with the fucking same issue and my parents discussing it. and the point is... it's not that i don't think they're right. i think it's a shocking number of people out there, doing precisely this thing: prostituting themselves for material advantages. more or less. taken strictly, working your ass off in a work you don't enjoy is a sort of prostitution. however, it is a common, socially accepted and morally acceptable type. there are far too many people out there selling themselves in worse ways.

and... well, women seem more prone to do that in relationships. in this case... well, my respect goes to the regular hookers giving blowjobs for money. at least they're not trying to pretend to be something else. they are prostitutes and this is what they do for a living: sexual services to whoever pays. how many people out there love their job anyway? the rest... are the real whores. they never go home after 6 or 8 or 10 hours of job. they are prostitutes 24/7 in order to eat expensive dinners, drive flashy cars or sport expensive shoes and a tan made in italy.

again... the point is... i know that it happens. far more than it should. and the price goes down, too. it's tending to become the normality. i believe it's anyone's own problem if they sell themselves. but i hate generalizations. i hate it when i hear "women do this and that". i even hate it when i hear "most women do this and that". because somehow, people tend to overlook the minority. and then it becomes "most of you women" or "what can we girls do, it's so hard to.... we need to...".

well fuck off, stop labelling me! cause unaware or not, you are including me in that stupid category. i don't know what we women do, cause i am not the collective conscience of womanhood on earth. neither do i know what we girls could possibly do, all i know is what i do or am willing to do. and blowjobs for holidays are not on the list. neither are sheepish smiles for dinners in town.

conversly, i am absolutely not impressed by guys telling me what car or mobile phone they have or boasting how 'cheap' they got a really good apartment with 50.000 euros. that is not an asset from my point of view. in fact loads of money put a big warning label on your forehead. the more money and the more you boast it, the brighter the warning, the louder the sirene. and the more likely you are to include all women in the "suck up for a little attention from the rich guy" category, which belief is confirmed by your experience, since your boasting attracts them as naturally as flies to shit. you don't make me faint in delight, you make me puke, people.

greedy bastards part two: duran duran are having a concert in romania. well, it's a bit soon after the placebo experience for me... but i thought it's a one time chance and i'll regret it later if i don't go. so i told myself i'd go, cause it's harldy possible for tickets to be much more expensive than placebo which are a top band right now.

placebo tickets were 75 RON, so i expected the duran duran ones not to be over 100 RON, and that just in case they were really really assholes. well, surprise-surprise. cheapest tickets are indeed 60 RON, somewhere in the back where you're not likely to see much. good tickets are... (hold on to your seats) 250-300 RON. that is... well, outrageous to put it mildly. it's fucking 85 euros (100 RON are 28 euros) . who the hell pays 85 euros to see duran duran?!?!? i mean... hello, this is an attempted comeback we're talking about. i didn't check on other european dates (all east-european, i might add...), but the most expensive ticket in chicago is 65 USD... meaning 50 euros. like... hello?!?!? where do you think you are? and who do you think you are?!?!?! greedy bastards!

for a reference: since april 2006, the minimum wage is 370 RON brutto (104 euros). according to the www.wall-street.ro, the average brutto wage for august was 1122 RON (317 euros), meaning 842 brutto (238 euros). i'd be curious to know what the real average is, though... that is, extracting from the calculus all those money - for - nothing - makers: parliamentaries, bosses and bosslings of various public services that show no improvement but sport ever higher fees, football players all mouth, no action and tv presenters who have trouble speaking but think they're stars and earn stunning 5-8000 euros a month...

bottom line: yeah, i live in a fucking poor country. yeah, i do have a good salary, compared to others and those minimums and averages. yeah, duran duran are greedy assholes. and yeah, under these terms, of course loads of people boast their accounts if they have them. and yeah, of course prostitution of sorts is alluring to the rest :(

and no, i do not find this normal, because i do not belive normality is dictated by the majority, however much sociologists and statistics and good ol' gauss state the contrary.

well... i've just made myself sick. i am going to go puke the nerves out of me.

ps: pics to be added when i get home... am too angry to postpone posting.

ps2: i've checked. 65 euros for the most expensive tickets in both bratislava and athens.

am i crazy?

funny that you should write what you did, ilya. well, part of it :P now, this is the last post triggered by that long sleepless night when various thoughts haunted my memory, even though its content was at the root of all that more or less gloomy but definitely nostalgic thinking.

and that root is... that i stopped for a minunte and thought about where i've been, where i am and where i want to go. not a good thing to do in autumn... anyway, bottom line is this (i've already mentioned it in a comment reply to elfu): i am nearing 25. for all i know, a third if not half my life may be over. and... what have i done with the time that was given to me?

feels like i've wasted it. i've spent more than two thirds of it learning mostly useless stuff. i've tortured myself memorizing things that are long forgotten and acquiring skills i neither like, nor use, nor need. i am in a dead-end job that stimulates neither mind, nor spirit and i'm keeping it because it pays me well to waste myself away. stuck in a rut, stuck in a rut, stuck in a rut...

i have done various things, but probably not nearly half of what i would've liked, i've found temporary delight in some, but none i can imagine myself doing for the rest of my life. i honestly don't feel that i've realised enough - not enough to make me satisfied and not enough for the amount of time and effort invested. i am still pursuing several things at once, in the hope that one will eventually work out the way it should (or the way i want it to - same thing from my perspective ;) ).

and it is not that i lack happy moments - cause i have enough of those. it's just that... the things that once seemed to make all the difference in the world are not so important anymore. those that have grown in importance are the seemingly unattainable ones. yet somehow, i still have that feeling of life passing me by - i am waiting to go to work, then waiting to get home, waiting for weekends, hoping for time to rush by faster, never really achieving something significant, wishing my life away in the process...

i was thinking of taking some steps to remedy the situation. one would be concentrating on my "want to do list" instead of the "have to do one", but there is a delicate balance that must be kept. i can only afford them if i check enough "have to's", and "have to's" seem to just swallow my time. and usually, also my energy. they are huge disgusting leeches :) i want to get out of this rut. i want to have something to look back to, other than a box of dusty, cobweb covered, bittersweet memories.

so, the biggest step i'm planning for is... quitting my well - paid - for - doing - nothing job that everyone envies. ka-boom.

ps: picture courtesy of bogdan h.