lifewrecked

Some might argue that it is too early for me to be old and they'd be right. On the other hand, thirty two might as well be halfway to death, for all I know. And when you're halfway there, you're usually not livin' on a prayer, as the song goes, but rather living at a good point in time to look back, draw a line and check the direction you're heading.
There are lucky people out there who can nod satisfied and keep moving in the same direction. There are less lucky people who will frown and decide they need to adjust their course. And then, there are special people (and I've always considered myself rather special) who will look and look and look really hard again in order to figure out what their direction actually is, before realising they are pretty much adrift. It's not exactly shipwrecked, but it would be, if life were an ocean. Is lifewrecked a word? It should be.
And what the hell do you do when there's no wind in your sails and you have no clue as to where you should be rowing? How do you resist the temptation of closing your eyes and letting the currents take you to where the devil may care? How do you fight the numbness and indifference?
I can't motivate myself to anything without some real-life carrot to tie in front of my nose and I have no carrots whatsoever. I'm pretty sure diving in make-believe realms in one's own head is not the healthy way, but between controlled fantasy and uncontrolled depression, what would you pick?

image source

shadow of fear

I have been living in the shadow of fear my entire life. It sounds like a truism and maybe it is. It also sounds a bit cliché and I suppose it is that, as well. I've had a good childhood and a good life. I still do. I have a loving family, I have great friends and a good job. I earn well, I get to travel and go to concerts and read good books and everything is swell. And still, the shadow looms. It creeps in at night and echoes my every thought.
I've been afraid of failing ever since I can remember and I know most people have been or are in some form of another, though I doubt that for many that fear has stopped them dead in the tracks from any change in their lives, from taking any chance at all at being who they want to be or doing what they felt like doing.
I've been punished maybe twice in my life for doing something bad, but I've carried this fear of doing something wrong around forever. Maybe that's why I haven't done much wrong, which ironically negates any pride I might take in it - I strongly oppose fear as a motivator. And if all I've ever done right came out of fear, here I am wondering what sort of person I am and where would I be if I had more guts, at a point in life when most people have everything more or less worked out.
And also, here I am, walking down the beaten path. Breaking down in frustrated sobs at the realisation that it is this fear of disappointing others, of not living up and of rejection that paralyzes me like the fabled deer in the headlights. The usual encouragements and pats in the back just add another brick of potential-guilt-if-I-fail to carry, because they are no more than confirmations of expectations. And the sheer fact that I understand and rationalise this and that I am yet stuck in inaction just serves to measure the dimension of that fear. I cannot struggle with it, so I bow to it. Kicking and screaming on the inside.