donnie, as in donnie darko. ka-boom. there goes your parallel universe that suddenly became tangent. be a smart kid and go with it. oh, and don't try to understand what i'm saying.
well, apparently my latest blog (not counting the placebo review, cause i wrote it some while ago, just not on the blog) stirred quite some reaction. on one hand... i can understand it. on the other... not. in the end, i think buddhists may be right and have the right attitude after all... no attitude and no action whatsoever makes any sense, unless it is given one.
kick ass? why on earth should i bother? it's not worth the nervous consumption. none of the idiots populating the planet is. kick around recklessly? why? there will be collateral damage no matter what... i'll avoid as much as i can turning into someone who turns people into depressive, suspicious little nothings like me by hitting them undeservingly... oh yeah, of course the innocents out there will bang their heads on walls eventually. it's just that... i'm not the one for the job, even tough i might do them a service after all.
getting angry is as childish and as futile as getting depressive. it's just that depressive hurts less people. am growing good at hiding it, so those who care won't have to worry about me too much. of course i'll collapse at some point. there is, as yet, no perpetuum mobile. and god knows i have no one to keep me going. my mind is full of cracks as is. having imaginary friends is not normal. living imaginary lives even less so. having no living being to trust is poisonous. and so is having no real friends. and yet, as a paradox, imaginary and virtual friends, imaginary lives and not expecting anything from anyone is probably the one thing that kept my brain in one piece. whenever i tried differently, it just cracked a little more. on the bright side, there won't be too many to lament.
besides... what good is it all? i have yet to be shown... no, proven that it's worth the pain. and that can't be, as long as i'm not willing to try. it's a devil's circle and i won't let temptations lure me out of my snug little place, that gives me claustrophobia whenever i close my eyes to contemplate it. and yet... we all die alone. who says we should live otherwise? to what end, to what purpose? in the end we'll all nothing but a bunch of scattered leaves no one cares about, no one remembers... and a dream of spring that has flown a
way, in search for another world to bloom in.
"i can only hope the answers will come to me in my sleep. i hope that when the world comes to an end, i can breathe a sigh of relief, becasue there will be so much to look forward to. donnie darko"
"i still have an older debt here, a review of the placebo concert. i translated what i posted on the roportal forum.
bucharest, sunday, august 13, anno domini 2006.
on an ordinary occasion, i would've been at home, thinking longingly of those lucky ones who got round to go to the szighet music festival, where placebo, radiohead, deus, the rasmus, iggy pop... would perform. on an ordinary occasion. but this wasn't ordinary. because before performing in szighet, placebo would have a concert in bucharest. thus, instead of staying home and dreaming, the undersigned was in a train to bucharest, reviewing 'homework' in those darned seven and a half hours, with tons of placebo on my player and the sunete magazine in my lap - a special edition dedicated entirely to placebo.
skipping the meet and greet (tnx again *kiss*), 19:00, somewhere near the concert venue. somewhere near, because the place was packed full. skip waiting, queuing, crowds, going forward with the speed of a drunken snail, throwing away bottles of drinks at the entry, the superficial check of the bags. yup, that's it, silly me, i could've taken my camera in spite of what the ticket read, but it wasn't actually mine but a borrowed one and i didn't risk it. finally, slowly but surely the crowd gets in, 5000 tickets, sold out show (i later heard they were actually 6000). now skip again on pepsi cola's exclusivity on selling drinks, skip the fact that i didn't want to have steal-able stuff on me and ended up not having the cash for a t-shirt and let's get to the point.
warm-up by a certain rock dj, ab4 the opening act. i like them, they are sometimes ear scratching, their english is somewhat rusty, but overall ok. they can't complain, i sang :D, songs picked were mainly from their english language album 'broken trust', apart from hol, which, as someone noted, was hol and not cold. i remember hearing born to learn, missing parts, different horizons, rising stars and preferences. anyway, there are tracks on the album that would've been a better choice. all in all, i guess it was the largest crowd they ever played, even if not the most interested one :D
then THEY come on, the gods... "hello, ladies and gentlemen of bucharest... we are the ladies and gentlemen of placebo". crowd gone crazy, i look around during the songs from meds, their latest album, the one promoted through the tour, songs that weren't singles and yes, people sing. the atmosphere is great, meds-songs obviously make most of the playlist, but there are also well known hits, when the roars of the crowd fire up.
the opener is infra-red, one of the best if not the best track of the album... "someone call the ambulance, there's gonna be an accident", well, i at least am high, this is no night to consider sore throats, "i'm coming up on infra-red, there's no running that can hide you, cause I can see in the dark...". next up is meds, another killer track, no it's brilliant, though i somehow miss the chick's voice... "baby, did you forget to take your meds?", nope, that's not the issue, there is no med that can put up with this, and then because i want you. so do we. then the screams get even louder when black-eyedstarts, yep it looks like the right people came to the concert, then song to say goodbye and what can be cooler than spending money on a ticket to hear a dude sing you "you are one of god's mistakes, you're crying tragic waste of skin" to some hypnothizing chords, and no, i am not a masochist, i'm just a darn happy fan.
but it can get better, next is special k, the first placebo song i ever heard, with that wonderful video with the mini-sub. then the inevitable technical problems, "this being a totally live show things are bound to go wrong, and right now they just did", guitars changing, and yes, the show must go on, there starts another special... special needs this time. "just nineteen, a sucker's dream, guess I thought you had the flavour, just nineteen and dream obscene with six months off for bad behaviour" and no, i am not nineteen, but i can rise up to any hysterical bsb-fan or whoever it is they are worshipping these days.
then, again off the meds album there is drag, "you're always ahead of the pack, I drag behind", no you don't, they are really on top and they are here, live, in font of me and i still don't believe it, then every me and every you, people sing it out loud, as someone said, well not some anyone, but the seraph in person, it's the placebo song of which every loser (aka manele listener) knows. of which, yes, but which - i doubt. however, who's there knows and sings. then there's one of a kind, "on top of the world you get nothing... done" and then see you at the bitter end and placebo exit stage. people scream, shout, clap on seats for around five minutes, i still don't know whether what followed was an encore or just the resuming of the concert after technical trouble. fact is, placebo are back on stage, and what can be heard is running up the hill, a kate bush cover. brian introduces the band, after which nancy boy follows, "got the muse in my head, she's universal", yes she is, but placebo leave again.
the public screams again, i am caught somewhere between fear and hope, it can't have been all, but what if...? no, people keep shouting, it can't be over, and this time i'm sure it's an encore, yes, placebo are back, steve, the guitar player heads through the crowd, brian apologises for being late and for the technical problems, thanks the public for their patience and the incredible atmosphere, promises that "they'll be back soon", i know it's a nice thing to say but i can't refrain from hoping, and i still do... next up is twenty years, and yes, after that they are gone for good.
we're off with crowd, out of the venue, we hold each other's hands so we won't get lost, it's six of us, three definitely in ecstasy, two of us haven't come down yet, for sure... if someone asks me how it's been, i still have trouble giving a coherent answer that is not monosyllabic, it's a whirl of sounds and lights, imagines and sensations. it seemed to last forever and when it was over, it seemed it didn't really happen... where were haemoglobin, slave to the wage, english summer rain, pure morning, without you i'm nothing... where were post blue, pierrot the clown, follow the cops back home... there were so many and yet so many were missing :(
what followed was a white night (tnx again for the company :*) and a trip back home by train, half of which i slept through, and half of which i re-listened to the songs in a trance, i still didn't manage to grab a poster but someone took care of me apparently :) but in the station i didn't know that yet, i was looking filled with envy, but also proud at all the people the train spit out at tis destination, posters in their hands. i slept and thought impressions would settle, but it's not the case, proof being that it took me so long to write this review, which i still wouldn't have managed if someone hadn't done it on the forum, and he seems to have remembered everything :)
"wrap me in your trauma and I may just give you mine"... i've been meaning to write this blog for a couple of days now, i am sure i had something clever to say in the introduction, but that seems just wiped out of my mind right now... for god knows what reason (i hope he does, for i don't), i'm all introspective gain, all of a sudden. or maybe i never ever stopped. anyway, not the point.
the point is that i've taken a peek in a dark tunnel i usually avoid, called 'future'. i have some decisions to make, and they'd better be clever ones. so i laid back and considered what i truly like, what i enjoy doing, what i would like to do for the rest of my life, who i am, where i am, where i see myself in a couple of years' time. all the usual blah blah you'd expect on occasions like that. there aren't too many things i like. writing and photography are among them. and looking back on how it all started...
i've been writing for ages, but kept things to myself and maybe a couple of other people. however, i once saw a book published by an absolute moron, with absolute moronic epigramms (four liners, mocking poems). and i went steaming angry. i thought if that idiot can do it, so can i. here i am, three years and two poetry volumes later. i still don't share too much and i think them far from brilliant, but i give them to friends. and they are mine.
as for pictures... i never subscribed to the site to actually upload pics, or not to another purpose other than showing my dog to people... however, i saw so much crap on a site that is presumed to be of photography, and so much praise to them that i went point blank rage again, thinking 'hang on, fucks, i can do much better than that'... so here i am, six months and a brand new camera later. i am far from being happy with my stuff, but again, they are mine.
the sad part is, that while i am not really content with any of my 'works of art', i consider them so much better than most of the crap out there. and they both started out of sheer spite. because i knew and i wanted to prove that i can do it so much better than half of the idiots out there boasting it. while i still hold that for true, i must admit it is a sorry motivation to do something, let alone make a passion for it.
moreover, it denotes a worry-worth tendency of me defining myself in relation to others... not only others, but complete morons >:) and people i know keep encouraging me for it and don't seem to display my skepticism towards what i make out of it. well, i've been through the looking glass self over and again at the uni, erving goffman must've been my favourite author of psychosociology, but this is a bit too much for my taste.
but somehow it feels strange that i only delight in 'borrowed' things... like i'm living someone else's life and being better at it. or feeling that way, anyway... and suddenly the lyrics make so much more sense. yep, the blood in my veins isn't mine... but the stormy place in the mind is.
"there's a place within her mind
with rains already falling.
she's insane, this friend of mine
and she's always bawling.
...
she's preparing for the flood,
the deluge and the sliding mud
she's preparing for the flood
running on black market blood"
~ placebo - black market blood ~
there are two films that deeply moved me as a child - e.t. and the last unicorn (well and terminator II at some point, but that doesn't fit the clumsy picture i attempt to paint here). i have seen both a couple of times as a child and cried every time. i would like to see the movies again, but i am afraid they will lose that dear and special glow that surrounds them. maybe they belong to my childhood and shouldn't be touched. maybe i should just keep them encased in the shrine of early days and not desecrate those moments, tainting them with the slime of the present.
i found peter beagle's the last unicorn a some days ago and i have just put the book down now to write this blog because something occurred to me. it is weird how metaphors wriggle their ways into our lives and express them even if we are not aware of them.
there used to be a time when i was a lover of unicorns and pegasi, and sometimes even of the cross-breed that so called fantasy artist made of the two (woo-hoo, why not draw both wings and a horn on the same poor creature?). there used to be a
time when i gathered every half-decent picture of any of them. there used to be a time when i loved to draw them (well, it was more copying, since i'm not good at drawing). there used to be a time when it broke me that someone else stole my idea of drawing silvery white unicorns on black cardboard before i got round to do it. there used to be a time when i identified those wonderful magical horse like creatures as my second nature.
for those out there unfamiliar with such beasts:
the unicorn is not merely a white horse with a horn; it's smaller, more graceful, with cloven hooves, a lion's tail and a goat-like beard. ageless and immortal creatures, their horns may cure diseases and neutralise poisons. unicorns are a symbol of grace and beauty; fierce but kind, they are the uncatchable cretures that can be tamed only by pure hearted maidens.
pegasus is the winged horse of greek mythology, mount of heroes and companion of the muses, often seen as a symbol of inspiration. he was born after the slaying of the gorgon medusa, a mere look at whom might have killed, by perseus; allegorically speaking the said medusa was a personification of paralyzing fear out of which nothing good comes. instead of looking at her directly and becoming a victim like all others before him, perseus aimed his strike while watching her in a polished shield. using another, cool-headed point of view, he overcame fear. at fear's death, inspiration was born.
i couldn't tell you when magical horses, be they winged or horned, faded from the picture :( eventually they did and what replaced them was the imagery of the dragon. dragons too populate the world of myth and lore as mighty beast, through whose veins the magic of earth (the planet, not the element) itself courses. a race older perhaps than any other, time has but little significance to them and growing age only renders them wiser, stronger, their scales thicker and more resistant and their breath deadlier and reaching ever farther. they watch, prey and hoard when offered the occasion but prefer the solace of their lair to the company of others.
while i confess to be a lover of dragons and regard them as highly misunderstood creatures... i must also confess i find the transformation sad. to be going to a happy, careless and free roaming creature of the skies and forests such as pegasi and unicorns to... well, an old, sulking reptile thing, with still the power but not the will to roam at large, hoarding to no end other than the hoarding itself (be it material or spiritual possessions), avoiding
encounters and finishing them briskly if not even violently when they happen... that is not a good think.however, if mythical creature it must be... the world is fitter for a dragon than for a unicorn these days. innocent maidens are deceiving, the hunters countless and their greed unmeasured. thick scales and deadly breath make better surviving tools than grace and playful nimbleness.
that's how i feel :( totally happy, but totally unsatisfied. the one highlight of this miserable summer (oh yeah. i skipped the blog relating my 'wonderful' holiday. friends know and the rest shouldn't care... i spared both you and me the trouble), the year isn't showing any signs of improvement, and... it's gone in a flash.
a long expected party
the thing i'm talking about is the placebo concert this weekend in buchaerst and all things connected to it. yep, the band that souveraingnly rules my most played artist chart on last.fm ever since i've created the account came to this stupid third world country i have to call my own. a must go to event. and an excellent occasions to meet people whom i haven't seen in years and some i've never seen. and whom, i must confess, i'd gladly exchange with ones here, who i'm bored and tired and sick sometimes of being too close. :)
many meetings
hey, that was the biggest gang that ever waited for me in a train station - four people! *grin* there were six of us who eventually entered the concert venue. i will not use this blog to comment on the organising issues. or complain that i hadn't thought of taking enough cash with me to get a t-shirt, or that i wasn't bright enough to get myself a concert poster :( or that pepsi had exclusivity on selling drinks (yuck). i will just say that the event itself was worth every penny and maybe more. the opening band was ab4, one of my favourite romanian bands. this must have been the biggest crowd they've ever played, the place was full. and when placebo came on... i haven't tried weed yet, but if/when i do, i promise to tell you whether it can beat this. time seemed to be frozen, people around were frozen, all that mattered was the here and now. or the then and there. it seemed to last forever, but then again it was so short and over so soon... i was left there, in the middle of something, trying to find myself... and the way back to ground for my feet.
the breaking of the fellowship
i didn't. not for the entire night. three of us went to a club and two of us remained till... they kicked us out. and then we strolled slowly to the city at night and set on a bench, talking. and then we took a cab to the train station. and... ever had a twilight zone experiece? well... i did. when a glass door suddenly slides between you and the person you are talking to (and who wasn't standing more than two steps away, considering she was on the train platform and me on the steps)... that's a twilight zone experience. freaky. we didn't even get to say goodbye properly. the train swallowed me and kidnapped me from there, taking me away from my frozen bubble in space and time and back to... what?
the grey havens
well... there is nothing haven'ish about them... just grey. very grey. and all i'm left with is a bittersweet feeling. high and dry. am here, but am still there. tortured by the materialization in this world, unable to quite complete it, and unable to stay there... "baby... did you forget to meds?"
donnie, as in donnie darko. ka-boom. there goes your parallel universe that suddenly became tangent. be a smart kid and go with it. oh, and don't try to understand what i'm saying.
way, in search for another world to bloom in.
