hehehe

I'll smoke you a kipper, because you'll be back for breakfast. You're the cult television show quoting, user account deleting, soap loathing IT Manager.

Something in your childhood has made you the way you are. You've been hired to provide a service to everyone else in the office - you make the computers run, and you make them run well. You've streamlined everything; you've removed all the viruses and installed all the firewalls. The only trouble - the only hole in your veneer of digital perfection - is the way you laugh at everyone.

If someone doesn't know UNIX, you laugh at them. If they lose their password, they laugh at them. If they visit a website using Microsoft Internet Explorer and their computer succumbs to an Internet worm, you laugh. Then you take a swig of your Coke, and with another hearty chuckle tell all your friends on IRC about the idiots you have to deal with.

Maybe it makes you feel better about yourself, although let's face it, you don't need help in that department. You're great, you. Fantastic like burning cool. If only those luddite office fools would let you play Unreal Tournament in peace.

Which Office Moron Are You?
Rum and Monkey: jamming your photocopier one tray at a time.

the server may be down or not responding... (the no pictures blog)

i don’t necessarily feel like writing a blog. i do feel like writing, however. whatever it is. and that is usually a sign that something is troubling me and i need to spill it out, some way or another... or at least part of it.

i don’t know exactly what it is. or maybe i know and i’d rather not face it or give it any names. you know what they say... once you name it, you call it into existence.

i think the main problem is, lately i am alone with my thoughts for too long a time once again. i push them to the back of my mind mostly. i cover things up busying myself. but now i have a downtime. i am at work, i have stuff to do, but the network is down so i can’t. i have few options left and i am delighted at neither, so i drifted away and... landed here. not good.

i wonder if we really should be the way we are. sometimes i find myself thinking that i am in a way... that is not good for me. i wish i’d been built differently, from many points of view. i have tried to change, but it doesn’t work that way. you can’t just say ‘i’m going to change this about myself’ and just do it. you may change on the outside, you may attain a degree of control over your reactions and so forth, but you can’t change your insides at will. or at least, i can’t. sure we change... but it is the direct result of interacting with people, things, situations. it’s called ‘evolution’ (or ‘involution’...).

and putting up a pretense of someone you want to be... i wonder if the cost-benefit relation is a profitable one here. i think the strain of it, even though allowing one to live and be functional in a given environment is in the long run more damaging than being oneself. no idea. i can’t quite gather my thoughts into a coherent flow right now.

it’s just that, looking back i sometimes have reactions that are not really me as i see myself. maybe my view of me is distorted; actually, it more than certainly is, since i can’t be objective towards myself. but then again... am i not who i think i am? doesn’t my mind define me and is that not really all that matters in relation with me?

i think i’ve mentioned this before... i think these self-defining issues... i should’ve left them behind in my teen years. should’ve settled the issues or at least should’ve drawn some stable major outlines and then just go on defining and refining details. and yet, every once in a while when i find myself stopping and asking these questions... i am as lost as ever.

i have no idea who i am. if i were to take that ‘i am’ test right now on the spot... i don’t know if i could come up with 20 definitions. definitions, not adjectives. and then, going through them... how many would seem vital to me? and stable enough for me to say that they are part of my essence?

same goes for the ‘what i want’ question. no fucking idea. ‘how do you see yourself in twenty years? in ten years? in five years?’. hell, i don’t know. i don’t look there, i don’t see myself. i don’t even see myself in a year or in a couple of months. i go with the flow in an incredible way. and one that is in utter contrast to my self-determining philosophy of life and my view that you are what you make yourself become and all that shit. maybe i’d put just a little more effort in myself if i knew where i stand and where i want to go. right now... i just want to go away.

which brings me back to the emmigration issue. maybe my mum is right. maybe i just got bored and need a change. she’s suggested i change my job. i don’t want to change my job for one i don’t enjoy. not even for double pay, though it is unlikely that i find a better paid job than this one, plus it is laid-back. well, and boring as hell. but i don’t know what i would like to do. the things i like doing don’t earn me money. and if they did, i’d probably stop liking them anyway. it’s... the way i am built.

i guess this could be the point to also address ily’a comment on a previous post, saying something about all my friends are here and anywhere else i’d feel unwelcome and an outisder and not at home.

well... i don’t really fit in here either. i don’t do what most people my age do, i don’t like what most people my age like. i am not interested in 90% of their possible subjects of conversation. and mind you, this is not the arrogant me speaking. it’s not because i’m smarter or something, or because i beg to differ. i simply don’t care. i don’t care much about anything these days. so... where would the difference be then? unwelcome? by who? or who is welcoming me here?

and friends? pffft. not even worth mentioning. i have a special talent for falling out with people. what friends do i have here? i have one friend whom i see maybe once a week to catch up on things. i have a couple (and by a couple i mean two, not several) more whom i meet even more seldom, maybe once a month in good times. i have several people who probably qualify as acquaintances rather than friends, we come together once a month or once every two months or so and exchange meaningless chatter. i care as little about maintaining contacts as they do, honestly. i could do so well without, that i probably wouldn’t even notice a difference. i am a social person even less than in the past years. i get along well with virtually anyone and am close to virtually no one.

and i guess ‘virtual’ is the key phrase here. i am one of those sorry, pathetic people who live a life online. i’ve done more indepth talking to people i’ve met over the internet than with some i’ve known for half my life, or with my parents. i’d rather call on-line contacts friends then people i’ve practically grown up with. sad, isn’t it? and at the same time... makes it the easier to leave. as long as i don’t move to china or something and radically shift time-zones, most of my friends, even those few long-time ones i’ve mentioned before, are just a click away. just as close and just as unreacheable, no matter whether i log in from romania or from scandinavia.

i guess this is the main reason for this long and mostly senseless blog. my internet connection is down and i am lonely. i am separated from my friends by a blank error screen saying ‘server not responding. there might be a network problem. please contact your network administrator’. the very same screen keeping me from getting work done instead of rambling on here.

oh yeah, in case you were wondering, i am writing this in a ms word document, to be posted on the blog later. look, i’ve written almost two pages and have told you almost nothing. or maybe i’ve said too much already.

well, i have no good news to impart. apart from deciding to emmigrate, i’ve also decided to become just like any regular individual out there with no life whatsoever. in may, when my project finishes, i will resign even my membership from the organisation i used to work for (i’ve gone from employee / board member – member/volunteer) and probably the doggie organisation too. i’ll keep in touch with some of the people (for a time and as much as i seem to keep in touch with anyone...) and that’s that. in june i also finish my master’s degree, which is yet another hot air balloon. and we’ll see what else.

i have times when all these things just pile up over several i can’t avoid and i have had it. besides, i have been told at my regular check-up that i have spasmophilia, which is a lack of calcium and magnesium, which are prevented from being assimilated into the organism by stress, amongst others. so now i take magnesium pills and i am currently on my tenth day off of coke. i’ll see to it that i also get rid of stress. though stressing myself out over the most imbecile issues is part of my nature that i am so unhappy about. well. cheers (that is, if you endured reading all this crap).

there's a feeling i get...

Theres a lady whos sure
All that glitters is gold
And shes buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows
If the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and shes buying a stairway to heaven.

Theres a sign on the wall
But she wants to be sure
cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
In a tree by the brook
Theres a songbird who sings,
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.

Theres a feeling I get
When I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen
Rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who standing looking.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it really makes me wonder.

And its whispered that soon
If we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn
For those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter.

If theres a bustle in your hedgerow
Dont be alarmed now,
Its just a spring clean for the may queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by
But in the long run
Theres still time to change the road youre on.
And it makes me wonder.

Your head is humming and it wont go
In case you dont know,
The pipers calling you to join him,
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow,
And did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind.

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How evrything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.

And shes buying a stairway to heaven.

ooooooooooookay

What LoTR Character Are You?

You are most like Gimli. Most people think you're pretty rough, but you're actually rather sophisticated. Unlike others, you don't need everything to be perfect. You're flexible. When problems come your way, you face them head-on and get whatever help you need. You also stick to your morals very closely, and you are unlikely to compromise. You are very loyal to your friends, but don't be so controlling!

and yet... i am sam. *sigh*

i am sam...

the overdue blog. or at least one of them.

and surprise, surprise: nope, it's not the i'm-back-from-germany-let-me-all-tell-you-how-it-was blog. it's one i meant to write to get out of my system at least, but always dreaded. instead, i've kind of talked it over with some people. and at that point, i seemed to have sorted it out somehow, not much to my satisfaction but it seemed clear enough.

the issue in cause is leaving this god damned country. i have come to see that as a duty to myself as a person. i owe that to myself, i owe giving myself that chance or else sit here and wither and wonder about "how if's" later on and wallow in regrets. i am not saying that if i leave it won't be the same. i am waaaaaay beyond believing in heaven on earth somewhere and with my typical arrogance i dare say i am far less optimistic than maybe 80% of romanians who have ever thought about it. but at least then i'd know. i'd know it's because of me and not because i didn't try. regrets over doing something are nothing compared to those of not doing something.

(ok, don't make me explain the reasons, i'll get all riled up about it. let me just point out that whatever they are, they have to do with the quality of living and that does not at this point include financial aspects. out of everything in my life, money goes great. it's not that i'm stinking rich. but so far i've afforded myself basically any whim and they were quite expensive whims. i still have the tendency to sometimes feel bad about it, though i fail to see why. it's not about money. if i were a multi-millionaire in euros, i think i'd still decide to leave this country.)

now, if you somewhat know me, you know what making decision a torture is for me. acting upon one, even more so. i'm generally go with the flow type of person and i usually sit around for things to happen or i just let them happen. if i make them happen for one reason or another, i do it the subtle. that's a decision of course, but the easier one. i am samwise gamgee. i hate changes, the bigger the worse. i can manage them just fine, but avoid them if possible. i need a lot of pushing from behind to take steps.

now, not only is this not a major, but a critical decision, it also affects other people as well in a manner in which i don't feel the right i have to affect them. i mean my parents and mostly my mum. i will not go into details about the background here, nor am i trying to sound overly pathetic. but me leaving the nest and flying into a fairly unreachable place would hit her harder than i bear to know i have hit her. i am not willing to live the rest of my life knowing that i have shortened her life and made it miserable. and no "it is your life to live, not hers" type of argument works here. i am well aware of that, i agree with it, but there are lines to draw and mine is right here. i know not many people either understand or agree with this but it's the status quo.

so, at the point i had talked the issues over with a couple of folks, the (non-)options seemed quite clear. leaving and maybe carve out a place for myself out there and feeling guilty for the rest of my life for leaving my folks behind; or stay, with my folks and unsatisfied. it seemed quite clear and i have on several occasions asked pro-leaving people not to mention it anymore as it would only make me feel bad. hey, i don't want to sit around and wait for my parents to die :((((((((.

in the meanwhile... things have changed a little. first and foremost... surprise: i am more determined than ever that this is not the place for me to live in. i want to change the idiots i am around, so to say :). now, to match this new found determination with my guilty conscience, i am dellusioning myself in a way i've learned from the best (don't ask.). i keep telling myself that i will be able to support my parents and eventually bring them closer to me. whether i can make a living for myself in such a short time until that support will be direly needed (my dad is nearly 66, my mum is 59) is a very questionable and debatable thing, but a thing i need to hang on to.

secondly... my mum is not as opposed to my leaving as she used to be. if the issue came up in conversations, she was usually 'yeah, well, whatever you decide' and then fell silent, which is a bad sign or 'be careful, look at...'. apparently, recently, she has at least rationally accepted that leaving is the better option for me, if not necessarily for her. i'd bet anything it still pains her, but at least she has reached some degree of acceptance and recent political events have strengthened that opinion.

and that brings us to the wishful thinking part. first... i somehow need to find the strength and the moral support to actually take that step. once again i am more aware that it is good for me of what that really means and it is one hell of a step for a little samwise. currently i am just nosing around on embassy sites for requirements and legislation guides.

countries envisioned for the moment are germany, england, austria or ireland, because of the language. final destination of choice is as always sweden. i will eventually take up learning swedish again, i still have the textbook, i only need the will, even if i cannot find another course to enroll in.

i am not much troubled with their reluctance to take on immigrants, to be honest. i rely heavily on my knowledge of languages, several of my skills gained during my pretty flexible employment places i had here, my education if i must and in my people skills that i don't necessarily like but am aware of having to quite some degree. i am confident, not necessarily in me, since self esteem always was and i suppose always will be an issue with me, but in my ability to catch on fast on swimming once thrown in deep water. i know i can take most of what is thrown at me even if it hurts like hell and i've come to believe in me as a survivor. it's just that i don't want to settle down with survival anymore. i want to live and i want to thrive. and this soil here... it's spoilt for a couple of generations to come.

surprise, surprise

... but not really.

You scored as agnosticism. You are an agnostic. Though it is generally taken that agnostics neither believe nor disbelieve in God, it is possible to be a theist or atheist in addition to an agnostic. Agnostics don't believe it is possible to prove the existence of God (nor lack thereof).

Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe.

agnosticism 79% Satanism 71% Buddhism 63% Islam 63% atheism 58% Paganism 46% Judaism 42% Hinduism 29% Christianity 13% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

bottom line is...?

... that i am in no mood for long posts, though at least one is long overdue. been there, done that, am back and wish i weren't. well... doof.