Monday, January 21, 2008

soap bubbles

yeah, i love soap bubbles. i occasionally go out and buy the crap and spend a couple of hours making bubbles. but that's not the issue of my blog (why the heck is the title never the issue of my blog???).

anyways, i will NOT delete the previous entry, but tnx for the comment anyway. i've said it before that this is the place where i deposit my pseudo-emotional, pseudo-intellectual refuse, so be warned - it's mostly just a pile of garbage here :). but i thought of something to wash it down with (just so you know i am NOT on the verge of cutting my veins or anything).

if i can do anything to help it, i don't get out of the house without my music player (well, except to the shop on the corner and taking out the garbage, i mean, cause that would be plain silly). it's such a deep rooted habit that whenever i forget to take it or go with someone (thus leaving it home) and coming back alone or just running out of batteries... well, that is something that could easily, if not ruin my day, at least spoil a good part of it.

on the rare occasions it happens, i am quite surprised at the "natural" sound of the city - the cars, the buses, the footsteps, the wind, the bits of conversation, the rustling of clothes, noises coming out of houses or building sites or whatever. the feel... strange to me. because i am used to walking around in my little soap bubble, divided from the world not by a glistening layer of water but by tiny ear phones, cutting me off from whatever happens out there. me and my thoughts and my music in a parallel plane of existence, making my way from point A to point B interfering as little as possible with the world out there.

and if for me personally, it is something i like, choose and want (to the point that i get upset when i can't have it), i sometimes stop for a moment to philosophise about how effectively these little devices are helping us (us as in millions of users out there, a considerable number of whom i cross paths with every day) getting cut off from the world, noticing less, interacting less, caring less... making us more and more distinct individuals going our way... you get the point. i am not even going to start debating the pros and cons. whatever. it's just a thought that sometimes crosses my mind.

anyways, i was coming home from work yesterday, obviously listening to music on my player. i was just having a relaxed stroll and the music got to me, so i was kind of walking to the rhythm, moving my head to the song and doing my usual playback. oh, yes, i do that. put loads of passion in it too at times; got me tons! of weird looks and raised eyebrows from people on the street. if it is of any relevance to you, i was listening to young folks (i even playbacked (or at least i hope it was just playback) the whistling parts.

well, along comes a dude entirely fitting the rocker stereotype, all dressed in black, leather jacket, long hair bound back - you name it. listening to his own music, nodding his head to it. for a second we took notice of each other, i smiled to him, he winked to me, i nodded back and we had already passed each other. but hey, it felt good. it was like exchanging some secret signs of recognition between some obscure cult members :))) just two soap bubbles meeting, briefly touching and bouncing away, each on its own way. or just acknowledging the other as just as crazily immersed in some private little universe, living it out, ignoring weird looks and raised eyebrows :)

Saturday, January 19, 2008

wormy apple

that's me. i just love metaphors. don't you?

well... i've been... nowhere, i've done... nothing. or rather, i'm still here, killing off my time as i always do. thing is, the couple of times when i felt like blogging, all i could come up with is kara, how much i miss her and how much it still hurts that she... just doesn't exist anymore. but that's become sort of a private thing now, too private even for this blog.

so... no, that is not why i got up in the middle of the night to ramble pointlessly about in yet another blog too complicated for anyone but me to follow. this is about the single most important thing in the world - me. myeah. don't you just love it how i can come across as the ultimate arrogant asshole? i do. sometimes i wish that was all there is. but there's more to this apple than the shiny peel :(.

they should ban self esteem problems. they should be illegal or something. or they should file them under diseases. at least they'd lock me up in some fine and private place to keep me safe from myself. someone once told me i hate myself. i don't think i do. hate is a passionate feeling, i wouldn't put so much energy in it. i don't despise myself either - that too would mean caring in some twisted sort of way. i just... look at myself and shrug. wishing i wasn't there, wishing it wasn't me, wishing i wasn't like that... you name it.

as much as i pat myself on the back, as much as i'd like to hug myself on some rare occasions... on the whole and altogether i don't give a shit about myself. cuts on the arms, suicide letters, that's emo crap for disturbed teens. i find other, more subtle means to hurt myself, by not caring. stuff like not getting a haircut though it's overdue and not going to the doctor's when i feel something is wrong and keeping on drinking coke when i know exactly how bad it is for me. and most of all, not giving a shit about my own company. in fact, finding it undesirable enough to seek refuge in other worlds and to shut it away from others. because i do not believe anyone would want its company. because anytime someone claims or act like they do in some sort of way, i either get suspicious of them 'wanting something' and sucking up or if i know/believe them persons of good will, i think them seriously mislead by some shiny appearance i uphold and to which i know i will eventually fail to rise up to.

normally, i am quite successful at keeping people away. i've been called a turtle or a hedgehog numerous times. i restrict access to neutral areas and to safe worlds. the downside of it is that i occasionally slam the door in the face of the above named possibly good willed people when they, more or less intentionally, try to peep behind the screen or give some sort of reality to a personna. my spikes go up automatically when i need to give out addresses, phone numbers - if they're a must i stick to messaging -, real names, pictures and when asked personal questions - anything that would make me identifieable in the real world... that would turn the personna in a person, because i wouldn't wanna meet the person and thus i don't want anyone else to. which, i am quite aware, is a silly and at times rude behaviour. it serves the higher purpose of keeping me safe from other and the others safe from me. in a way, it is a means of showing straight away that i'm a bitter apple, in spite of whatever shiny peel appealed to them. why let them bite peacefully and after a couple of mouthfuls discover the worms inside? or... that's what i keep telling myself.

well... so much for wallowing in self pity on early mornings, half-awake O_o.