money makes the world go round...

...or fall apart, in my case. i have come to abhorr those little coins and papers and those plastic cards. because, as much as idaelistic assholes out there claim you cannot buy happiness, those coins and papers and plastics prove them wrong each and every day, over and over again.

no, you probably can't buy happiness. obviously, since it's an abstract thing. but you probably can buy loads if not most of the things that make you as an individual happy. sure, you may be happy to walk in the sunshine. but if you happen to feel like it on a lousy rainy november? well, you got the money - you go somewhere sunny. you love dogs? well, if you have the money - get a whole pack of puppies to raise in a proper space. you fancy writing? take a sabatical and start doing it. you love parties - party with money. you love to read... books cost money, so does the time to read, unless you're paid for that.

i am sick of depending on money. sick of counting twice if i actually can afford to buy a present, sick of skipping holidays in order to save for something else, sick of being too far from friends to meet them without huge costs, sick of hearing my parents fearing their retirement, sick of thinking twice before ordering a pizza, sick of choosing carefully which book or cd to buy, sick of not going to all the concerts i fancy, sick of being in a dead end job cause it pays well enough, instead of doing full time what i really like.

because, yes, that's what it comes down to. and mind you, i am by far the best off from most people i know. i live with my parents and they don't charge me anything; it is my choice to eat something different, i can spend my money on clothes, or books, or cds, or travel, or, yes, an expensive-as-hell camera or on a laptop i didn't need at that time but thank god i bought it, or to pay my internet bill or to talk on the phone with whoever i want for as long as i want or... you get the point.

however, it is not the rosiest thing, i do feel like i am living off their backs. and i do know that i have a darn good salary compared to... well, almost all people i know. for doing virtually nothing, because my job is laid back enough to allow me to devote at least 5 or 6 of those 8 hours to something else. i just need to be there. and yet, i dread waking up and dragging myself to there... i dread having to smile when i am down, having to listen to stupid jokes when i want silence and endure silence when i want music. i dread not being able to do something else because it pays less.

and i absolutely hate the fact that i am such a chicken. and that i fail to live what i preach :(