one

looks and sounds like heartbreak season. actually, been looking and sounding like that for some time now. people breaking up or falling apart... people whom you'd never expect to do that. people being broken hearted who'd never deserve it, people breaking hearts from who you'd never expect it... i am honestly surprised that i hear of people wedding, since break-up seems to be the trend these days.

i sure hope that those who have someone to hold on to, hold on tight. but even some of those seem to have first and second and third thoughts about it. it's one of the worst fields to have doubts in, i reckon. putting your trust in someone, supposedly investing the best of you and then realising that that someone is not the one you thought they were... and that they are definitely not the fabled One.

which raises the philosophical and as yet, as far as i am aware, unanswered question of how to know you've met the One. now one of the stupidest ideas i've ever heard is making a list of what you'd want in a significant other. people don't match lists, they are not a string of bits and bytes. what i sort of do have on a list though, is what i wouldn't want in someone... core things, pretty important things and the not so important, yet bothersome things. i am not fooling myself that there's someone running loose out there to match any criteria list... not the must have, not the musn't have. he'd have to be very special indeed to cope with me, i know that. am a difficult kid to handle. he'd have to be even more special for me to like, let alone love.

but i kinda figured how i would know... it would prolly be a person in front of whom i could cry freely. without feeling weak, or stupid, or like having to apologise, or justify, or answer a thousand questions, or ease someone's worries. just cry all the tears i've held up inside for too long and then fall asleep in a pair of arms and wake up with a smile, to finally face a morning that is worth getting up from the bed.

just for the record: the last time i cried in front of someone was september 19, 2003. that someone was my mum and i didn't want her to be there. the time before that... i cannot remember. tough job, eh?