am i crazy?

funny that you should write what you did, ilya. well, part of it :P now, this is the last post triggered by that long sleepless night when various thoughts haunted my memory, even though its content was at the root of all that more or less gloomy but definitely nostalgic thinking.

and that root is... that i stopped for a minunte and thought about where i've been, where i am and where i want to go. not a good thing to do in autumn... anyway, bottom line is this (i've already mentioned it in a comment reply to elfu): i am nearing 25. for all i know, a third if not half my life may be over. and... what have i done with the time that was given to me?

feels like i've wasted it. i've spent more than two thirds of it learning mostly useless stuff. i've tortured myself memorizing things that are long forgotten and acquiring skills i neither like, nor use, nor need. i am in a dead-end job that stimulates neither mind, nor spirit and i'm keeping it because it pays me well to waste myself away. stuck in a rut, stuck in a rut, stuck in a rut...

i have done various things, but probably not nearly half of what i would've liked, i've found temporary delight in some, but none i can imagine myself doing for the rest of my life. i honestly don't feel that i've realised enough - not enough to make me satisfied and not enough for the amount of time and effort invested. i am still pursuing several things at once, in the hope that one will eventually work out the way it should (or the way i want it to - same thing from my perspective ;) ).

and it is not that i lack happy moments - cause i have enough of those. it's just that... the things that once seemed to make all the difference in the world are not so important anymore. those that have grown in importance are the seemingly unattainable ones. yet somehow, i still have that feeling of life passing me by - i am waiting to go to work, then waiting to get home, waiting for weekends, hoping for time to rush by faster, never really achieving something significant, wishing my life away in the process...

i was thinking of taking some steps to remedy the situation. one would be concentrating on my "want to do list" instead of the "have to do one", but there is a delicate balance that must be kept. i can only afford them if i check enough "have to's", and "have to's" seem to just swallow my time. and usually, also my energy. they are huge disgusting leeches :) i want to get out of this rut. i want to have something to look back to, other than a box of dusty, cobweb covered, bittersweet memories.

so, the biggest step i'm planning for is... quitting my well - paid - for - doing - nothing job that everyone envies. ka-boom.

ps: picture courtesy of bogdan h.