so small...

well... that previous blog was a treat. it's not everyday that you get to see a happy blog from me, so i hope you enjoyed it... for a short time.

i've been delving a bit deeper into jason's blog. and once again, as if i needed it, i realised what a kid i am. i know nothing of the real world out there. i have been spared virtually any (major) form of trouble, my entire tender life of 24. i have not been seriously ill, i have not had family trouble, the only close death i witnessed was that of my grandmother (who admittedly was paralyzed for half a year and in need of care for much longer) but she was 82... i have not had any material problems, i got all i need and much more, i worked for the rest, i had no trouble finding a job, neither during uni, nor after. it is a laid back one too, a pretty good salary for almost no work.

i consider myself a pretty stable person, emotionally speaking and apart from some disappointments have also been spared any major heartbreaks. people keep telling me how good i am at various things - half of that i don't take seriously and the other half i believe to be misjudged; i know i give off a good performance, but i also know that nobody knows the real me.

all in all... i have never ever been truly exposed and left to cope on my own with the big bad wolf called life. assurances are worth nothing up to the final test. and that one, i keep postponing, to the degree to which it is in my power to postpone.

i have considered moving away. out of the country. because, frankly, i am sick and tired of it. but that would mean that the little birdy would have to fly. alone. the one thing that truly keeps me here, is most probably my mum. seeing how she copes with my brother being halfway across the world, i think i would sincerely have her on my conscience should i ever leave. please, spare me the story of us having to choose our own way. it doesn't always work like that. i cannot consciently choose a way that would most probably bring my mum to her ruin or her grave.

i feel small... so very small... lost, exposed and threatened by a world a i know nothing of. and i feel even smaller for complaining the entire time, like i was at the end of my life, with the entire path laid out before me and unchangeable... and not merely in my twenties.

ps: image by marcin stawiarz. again.