random blog on love-hate relationships and to do lists

random blog because... well, i don't have an issue to blog about... but i have many small thoughts that run through my head that i feel i have to get rid of. or rather, to formulate them somehow so i can see them clearly and follow their thread to an end.

i've been mentioning the thoughts i am having lately, both about writing and photography... and how i wouldn't have embarked on any to such lengths, had it not been for outside impulses. however... i do not consider that i have taken on something from the outside world and added to my personality, it's not that. these things have been with me for long. just not to this degree or with this intensity or with this passion about them.

this doesn't however change the fact that i am still vexed that such intimate and personal things as those have been triggered by something from outside me. because both are a form of expression - transfigured, changed and shaped yes, not conveying the exact message in my head maybe, but even so containing a piece of my soul and more honest even than these mutterings here, which i've come to censor little or at all lately.

and with these things, like with virtually everything about me, i have a love-hate relationship. because even the most despised and loathed things about me have something about me that i like. and everything i ever liked about me has a dark side that i both hate and fear at times.

and somewhat connected to the things i like or dislike to do... it the part with the lists. i have my attention spread in many directions. that comes to me personally, as no surprise... i have an oligarchic thinking style when it comes to setting goals, i work best when there are several to pursue, from which i can then choose to work on. the trouble however is, that not all of the things on my 'to do' list are set there by me, nor are they all fun to do :(

yeah, life's a bitch. so what i came up with, is two separate lists: the "have to to" list, which is not short by all means, and the "want to do list", which isn't particularly short either. some few items are present in both. if however i merge those lists and sort by priority... the outlook is grim. seeing that some of the 'have to' things are the on-going type and that the 'have to's have deadlines... you can imagine that the 'want to's rank pretty low :(

ps: yep. marcin stawiarz