losing control

... or rather, giving it up. to quote an old friend of mine: "i resent that". it is possibly the worst situation i can find myself in. i am a complete and utter control freak, i know that, and i also know what that means in relation with other human beings.

i said i wanted to smoke a joint. whoa, there, calm down. i am not going to do anything illegal - i'll do it when i'll go back to amsterdam (i love that city. and no, i haven't tried it before). however, i am not going to do it in public. it's a curiosity of mine that i feel i can satisfy, but i want to do it alone, in my room. why? because i so completely resent losing control. i will not let my state of mind be altered beyond my control in front of others.

same goes for drinking. i've never ever been drunk, in my entire life. seeing how much i dislike alcohol, it is also not likely i'll be drunk anytime soon. should it ever happen, however, it will most likely be in the privacy of my room.

the above are merely examples. it's probably ok that i don't want to lose control like that. but the same goes for any situation and most definitions of (self)control. i hate team assignments because i do not want to leave the results up to others. unfortunately, it has been proven to me over again that not controlling the way you are going in an assignment turns out to be a modest disaster (at least for me).

same goes for falling in love. well, not for actually falling, i'll admit i can't control that one. however, just like with drunkenness - never ever acted on it. exposing myself to the approval or disapproval of another, depending on an answer instead of setting my way myself? no, sirree, not my cup of tea.

slowly but surely, i've developed this into some sort of paranoia, anyways. i keep avoiding any situation where i could actually find myself with no control over what is happening to me, at least in public. it goes well hand in hand with the subject of an upcoming blog. i am pretty much aware of the impact it has both on me and on others occasionally and sometimes the loss is greater than the gain... even though i can't possibly know that. quote from j. (interesting post about this issue, i recommend the entire story):

...to remember that there are times when, despite the discomfort,... being willing to open oneself up to new experiences... which sometimes require relinquishing a certain level of predictability and control... and which can definitely make you feel a lot more vulnerable (and human) than you'd like others to see/know...

...those moments can be as just as exciting as they are frightening...

...and sometimes hold even more rewards than you'd ever imagined...

...but you'll never know, of course,... unless you follow through with the decision...

...to take that first step... on stage.

however... i can't stop myself from thinking that... crossing that safety zone line is emotional suicide :(

so, if someone came knocking at my door asking me to give up cold reason for trust... they'd need 1. one written guarantee that "everything's gonna be alright" and 2. one up to date insurance for any broken, scared or otherwise injured heart should the guarantee be broken. fixing up such damage costs immensly nowadays... i just don't have enough mana to perform such wizardry.