choices...

i was re-reading some of my latest posts in this blog. and i've come to realise somthing... something important, i think.

and that is the fact that who i am today and where i stand is mostly the result of the choices i've made. and looking back... some of them were good choices, others were less good. most of them were the best i could've made in a given situation; a few were the only ones i had. alltogether, however, there are few situations in which my hand was forced one way or the other. or rather, to be more precise, few situations of which i am aware that happened.

i was looking at some of the people i know... friends... colleagues... acquaintences... relatives... at their lives. some of them are worse off. many others are what may be considered "better off" under various aspects. and... well, the good news is, i wouldn't want to walk in any of their shoes.

and then, back to me... i considered the other options i had at various points in my life. of course there is room for improvement. there are things that i would like to have done differently. however... no major ones (yay, even more good news).

because, in the end... even though it pains me that there are things i am not, things i haven't done, things i don't have... i know very well that i couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror had i taken another road. as i've stated before, there simply are prices i am not willing to pay, however much it hurts me. there is a certain line i draw and i try hard to go no notch below that. i've been called inflexible, irrational, stubborn, impulsive, cold hearted, uncaring and a sucker for that. i may be all that and more, but still the choices that brought me here were mine. and i stand by them to this very day.

and somehow... it's a good feeling. i may not be happy with who i am today and i may not be happy with where i stand. but i know i am here and now mostly as a result of my own choices, influenced or not. and there is little else who or where i could be and not only not love myself, but not being able to live with myself. with that in mind... it's somehow easier to face the choices to come. some of which are maybe some of the hardest yet. and some of which... are not mine to make :(

ps: images by kyoji and frixin on deviantart.com