time is up, donnie

donnie, as in donnie darko. ka-boom. there goes your parallel universe that suddenly became tangent. be a smart kid and go with it. oh, and don't try to understand what i'm saying.

well, apparently my latest blog (not counting the placebo review, cause i wrote it some while ago, just not on the blog) stirred quite some reaction. on one hand... i can understand it. on the other... not. in the end, i think buddhists may be right and have the right attitude after all... no attitude and no action whatsoever makes any sense, unless it is given one.

kick ass? why on earth should i bother? it's not worth the nervous consumption. none of the idiots populating the planet is. kick around recklessly? why? there will be collateral damage no matter what... i'll avoid as much as i can turning into someone who turns people into depressive, suspicious little nothings like me by hitting them undeservingly... oh yeah, of course the innocents out there will bang their heads on walls eventually. it's just that... i'm not the one for the job, even tough i might do them a service after all.

getting angry is as childish and as futile as getting depressive. it's just that depressive hurts less people. am growing good at hiding it, so those who care won't have to worry about me too much. of course i'll collapse at some point. there is, as yet, no perpetuum mobile. and god knows i have no one to keep me going. my mind is full of cracks as is. having imaginary friends is not normal. living imaginary lives even less so. having no living being to trust is poisonous. and so is having no real friends. and yet, as a paradox, imaginary and virtual friends, imaginary lives and not expecting anything from anyone is probably the one thing that kept my brain in one piece. whenever i tried differently, it just cracked a little more. on the bright side, there won't be too many to lament.

besides... what good is it all? i have yet to be shown... no, proven that it's worth the pain. and that can't be, as long as i'm not willing to try. it's a devil's circle and i won't let temptations lure me out of my snug little place, that gives me claustrophobia whenever i close my eyes to contemplate it. and yet... we all die alone. who says we should live otherwise? to what end, to what purpose? in the end we'll all nothing but a bunch of scattered leaves no one cares about, no one remembers... and a dream of spring that has flown away, in search for another world to bloom in.

"i can only hope the answers will come to me in my sleep. i hope that when the world comes to an end, i can breathe a sigh of relief, becasue there will be so much to look forward to. donnie darko"