pressure to perform

i keep avoiding any situation where i could actually find myself with no control over what is happening to me, at least in public. it goes well hand in hand with the subject of an upcoming blog.

this is the precise blog i was referring to (told you i had some blogs planned in advance - that was a real 'productive' night in terms of gloomy musings...). i've had this pressure applied ever since... well, ever since i could remember, really. giving responsible persons the benefit of a doubt, i'd say they tried to instill in me the confidence that i'd do great in any situations, because - modesty aside - heck, yeah! i was a smart kid.

however, they only managed the quite opposite. there came a point where failure simply was no option. and by failure i don't mean messing up things. by failure i mean performing lower than the 'exceptional' bar of the standard meter :( good just wasn't good enough.

when i started going to school, my brother was having a rocky road towards to finish of the highschool, i'd hear arguments about his marks at school, how he's going to mess up his life, how all the tutoring was wasted time and money etc.

quick note on the romanian grading system: marks range from 1 (lowest) to 10 (highest). you get 1 for cheating. 2 and 3 basically have the same function of zero idea of what you were supposed to learn. so is 4 actually, which renders the whole system even more subjective than it is. 5 is a pass, but it actually means very poor. 7 would be the middle mark, 9 is good and 10 would be flawless; they've changed it for the lower grades now, but when i went to school, this grading system was valid for all levels of education.

thinking back now, i don't really recall ever hearing that i'd get punished for low marks... however i somehow went to the first grade with the thought in my head that if i ever got a 4 i'd get my butt spanked, even though i've only been beaten twice in my entire life. so, in order to avoid that, i studied hard. i was the real life equivalent of hermione granger. i finished grades I, III and IV with straight 10s in all subjects and actually was the best in my class through 12 long years of school life, with the sole exception of thesecond grade when i was... well, second. and i was ashamed of that, because i somehow felt that my parents weren't proud of me.

i only got a 4 once in my life, in the first grade, because i was talking to my colleague in class and not paying attention, however the mark was not toed in the catalogue. still, i was so scared that by the time i got home, i was literally sick with fear. physically. i went straight to the bathroom and then straight to bed and heard nothing about the 4.

i cannot possibly explain or recollect how the whole pressure system built up in my head and what and how added to it. i'd need siggi for that. i was neither cute, nor hot, no popular so i guess eventually this is how i made up for that. on the other hand, hadn't i been so focused on performance, maybe i'd had time or interest for being something else. all i know is that i lived under the constant impression that people around me always expected top results from me.

i was at the blackboard in maths class in the second grade. i made a mistake and had to go back to correct it. when i went back to my desk, my colleague announced with spite that he'd used my corrector for his notebook, since he copied my mistake from the blackboard and "you made a mistake"... you wouldn't believe the reproach in his voice. i already mentioned i felt like i failed my parents in second grade for being... second. my godparents were praising me publicly and i couldn't afford not to confirm that. colleagues copied homework from me and i couldn't give out the wrong answers. teachers would ask me the question if no one knew the answer and i just had to know. i came home one day in the 7th or 8th grade with results from three tests - a 10 in english and a 9 and a 10 in romanian. i announced the 9 first and my mum made a sour face. i told her about the other two marks and she said that doesn't make her feel better. i still recall the scene, she was in the bathroom, washing a blouse. she'd probably only had a bad day... but she made my world crash.

it was all coming down on me like the matchstick house. i cried that day and i was outraged at the unfairness of it all. just like i was outraged that my colleagues were allowed to go out or go to parties or on school trips and i wasn't. and i just couldn't understand it, because most weren't delivering anything. they were most likely more trouble for their parents and yet they were allowed stuff. i was doing my best to do well and i was denied all that they had and i envied.

and the thing continued... it was absolutely no issue that i would make it to uni, that i'd make it on the non-payed list, that i'd get top results... i did. i did it all. i was over the trauma of the marks, no one would say a word to me about the grades i got. but the happy or disappointed faces were cutting the much deeper. and anyway, it was already instilled too deep in my system. the thing still goes on at my work place. for crying out loud, i got the best evaluation in the entire firm and the only 100% result. at least they raised my salary for that ;)

i have no doubt that all those people only ranged from well-indented to unaware of what they were doing. they were probably honestly either being proud of me or trying to support me in keeping me on track and acting to my full potential and for that i think i should be grateful. however, in doing as they did, they also managed to virus my system with this bug that kinda takes the joy out of it. winning is fun, but there comes a time when the amount of payment in matters of time, effort, stress and distress just stops making it worthwhile.

i still feel it out there, feel the air compressing around me whenever i have an assignment, whether it's set to me in a formal context or a mission i set to myself. failure is no option for me - it leads to depression and shakes my meager self-esteem to crumbs. add the fear of public ridicule to my already expressed distaste for not being in control of a situation, to an almost chronic dislike of competition (isn't it ironic? i hate the sheer idea of it)... and to the fact that if i do enter it, i got to end it top notch. the result is that... i only enter when i'm certain i can... well, perform.

take this and transfer it to what i've said in previous blogs that i've started doing because i felt i could do it better than others... yup, it's creeping all over my life - even in what i am supposed to do as a means of relaxation. thing is... i can't deconstruct this thing logically. and nothing and no one can ease the pressure. "you have no chance" only spurs me to prove that wrong and "you'll do fine" only manages to add more pressure. i feel compelled to deliver. according to most, i do. however, in time i set my own standards higher than anyone else's to make sure i live up to their expectations. as i put it once... i don't bid for three points when my cards are only for two. and that... that keeps me from 'looking beyond' and finding my hakuna matata... from stepping out of the comfort zone :(