losers weepers (2) mtv trip in time

sorting out stuff in your room is really an occasion for a trip back in time... provided you are as good at piling up stuff as i am :) so, apart from finding things that should've never been written, yesterday i also went through stacks of audio cassettes.

in case you are too young: audio cassettes (or tapes) are those plastic things with a magnetic band inside, that you inserted into cassette (or tape) players and you listened to music... and every once in a while, you'd hear your favourite song completely distorted and it was no studio special effect, but the tape inside getting all messed up and you'd spend an hour gently pulling it from the player, trying not to wrinkle or god forbid, tear it.

yes, i am part of the generation who not only knows what they are... we worshipped them. it was back in a time when there weren't mp3s on every site (what is a site anyway?!?!), when cd-s weren't used as car decorations... when all you had was your radio and your... well, yes, mtv. and a walk-man for tapes if you were really hip. and you taped stuff. and you felt like it was easter when buying a cassette.

woo-hoo, those were the days. well yesterday, among other things, i found my... (ok, buckle up and hang on to your seats, folks) well... errrm... take that and east 17 tapes :D


yup, i owned those. i caught the Take That bug on the last few meters of their career, admittedly. and i was the weirdo who tought neither robbie nor mark the cutest, but jason (is anyone out there following me here?!?!?). jason orange. hell, i wonder what he's doing these days... as for east 17... they had a couple of nice songs and well... yeah, i thought tony was a cutie (still following?).

i remember watching the video for e 17's hold my body tight on dial mtv each day... i knew all the dance moves... i noted and kept the charts... and i died with happiness when my first ever love bon jovi conquered the dial mtv charts with this ain't a love song... yeah, those were the days, when my only worries were whether it would be ingo or enrico presenting the show. and those guys were hot, and i mean hawt (ok, maybe it was just me being a hyperventilating teen).


which, finally, gets me to the main subject of this post :) it is good old mtv, in the days when it was still good. in the days when it was only mtv europe and people all over the continent had a say in the shows... when it brought people together and showed issues they all cared about. when it had a teletext to which i owe some friends (cheers!)... when it was showing an attitude, when it was an edgy thing ahead of its time... and not merely a commercial television showing all the latest crap.

oh, sure, they had crap back then. but they also had some great stuff. they had the unplugged shows (first thing i ever saw on mtv was the aerosmith unplugged), and yes, they had the hottest guys around - ingo schmoll and enrico silvestrin. there was also the great ray cokes and his davina on mtv's most wanted - hey i've still caught robbie williams' naked butt live on air, ya know... and... well, they had greatest hits and mtv wasn't ashamed or feeling out-dated to show bruce springsteen or dire straits or aretha franklin along with take that and nirvana - who were polarising the listeners at that time (i liked both :P)... and mind you, we are talking mid-nineties here.


now? i am sick of turning it on... stupid mtv regionalization was a disaster from my point of view. no hot news from the heart of musical europe - the uk. no europe-wide video text service. crap vj-s who lack both professionalism and charisma. shitty music and idiotic listeners. this isn't the mtv who rocked the vote, who hosted the show that gives out the free your mind awards, who promoted young artists with their mini-mtv-clips... this isn't the mtv of which i was proud to be a viewer.

that mtv... that is locked together with a bunch of other memories, that remind me of a time when... when the world was still in order. but that's another post. this one was just meant to revive some sweet memories: glueing my eyes to the tv every saturday for the european top 20 (i had three notebooks filled with weekly charts...), pinning up posters with ingo and enrico, laughing my ass out with ray, watching singled out on summer nights (instead of a slutty pimp-show dismissed), learning dance moves from east 17 on dial mtv, feeling close to kids my age during hanging out, crying when watching the groundbreaking video to everybody hurts and... well, yes, taking the first steps into the world of rock :)

post-secret

remember this?

i still resent taking my insides out in public. there are certainly things that will never make it into a blog. if i am to write them, i'll write them on a paper and burn it afterwards. or send them to postsecret.

well... i thought i remembered writing one of the things down sometime this past year. my innermost insides, so to say, but i wasn't sure whether i had really done it, or just thought about it. it's 2:20 a.m. and i am still rummaging through the mess in my room (making progress, too). and... well, i found it. i had really written in onto a little piece of paper.

god knows where it has been all this time.
it is still accurate and valid. and holding the paper in my hands, i remember that i considered sending it to postsecret. i was holding it, reading it, acknowledging its truth and... i decided that it was to only see the light of day once, and it had already overstreched its time.

so tonight, i did the other thing: i burned it.

the blog about the blog

in about three week's time, it's a special day for me. maybe it is a special day for you too, a bit, just that you don't know about it yet. i will let you know when it is time, though :) however, the day got me thinking.

i've been treating myself to more of my latest fave reading. it's a fun blog to read. it's pretty short entries (as opposed to mine...), they're funny and... they deal with the little things. nothing life-changing just as yet, but still... those little non-life-changing things are what actually make up a life.i enjoy reading about those. those that make me a sort of modern day voyeur, or does it make bloggers modern day exhibitionists?

i used to write blogs for the eyes of others. i'd lie to myself if i said i'm not still doing it. however, as i mentioned before i have come to little or at all censor what goes in. in a way, i am writing more for myself. it helps to read the things i think, as they become clearer like this. i still resent taking my insides out in public. there are certainly things that will never make it into a blog. if i am to write them, i'll write them on a paper and burn it afterwards. or send them to postsecret. which, by the way, is a great blog i heartily recommend.

so this is blog is going to keep it's style, at least for the time being... little pieces of me, i'll try not to slip into the indecency of over-selfexposure ;) and yet keep it personal at the same time. and if that means the usual semi-coherent rambling... well, you'll either have to bear with me, or move on. :)

ps: yeah. me. :)

random blog on love-hate relationships and to do lists

random blog because... well, i don't have an issue to blog about... but i have many small thoughts that run through my head that i feel i have to get rid of. or rather, to formulate them somehow so i can see them clearly and follow their thread to an end.

i've been mentioning the thoughts i am having lately, both about writing and photography... and how i wouldn't have embarked on any to such lengths, had it not been for outside impulses. however... i do not consider that i have taken on something from the outside world and added to my personality, it's not that. these things have been with me for long. just not to this degree or with this intensity or with this passion about them.

this doesn't however change the fact that i am still vexed that such intimate and personal things as those have been triggered by something from outside me. because both are a form of expression - transfigured, changed and shaped yes, not conveying the exact message in my head maybe, but even so containing a piece of my soul and more honest even than these mutterings here, which i've come to censor little or at all lately.

and with these things, like with virtually everything about me, i have a love-hate relationship. because even the most despised and loathed things about me have something about me that i like. and everything i ever liked about me has a dark side that i both hate and fear at times.

and somewhat connected to the things i like or dislike to do... it the part with the lists. i have my attention spread in many directions. that comes to me personally, as no surprise... i have an oligarchic thinking style when it comes to setting goals, i work best when there are several to pursue, from which i can then choose to work on. the trouble however is, that not all of the things on my 'to do' list are set there by me, nor are they all fun to do :(

yeah, life's a bitch. so what i came up with, is two separate lists: the "have to to" list, which is not short by all means, and the "want to do list", which isn't particularly short either. some few items are present in both. if however i merge those lists and sort by priority... the outlook is grim. seeing that some of the 'have to' things are the on-going type and that the 'have to's have deadlines... you can imagine that the 'want to's rank pretty low :(

ps: yep. marcin stawiarz

so small...

well... that previous blog was a treat. it's not everyday that you get to see a happy blog from me, so i hope you enjoyed it... for a short time.

i've been delving a bit deeper into jason's blog. and once again, as if i needed it, i realised what a kid i am. i know nothing of the real world out there. i have been spared virtually any (major) form of trouble, my entire tender life of 24. i have not been seriously ill, i have not had family trouble, the only close death i witnessed was that of my grandmother (who admittedly was paralyzed for half a year and in need of care for much longer) but she was 82... i have not had any material problems, i got all i need and much more, i worked for the rest, i had no trouble finding a job, neither during uni, nor after. it is a laid back one too, a pretty good salary for almost no work.

i consider myself a pretty stable person, emotionally speaking and apart from some disappointments have also been spared any major heartbreaks. people keep telling me how good i am at various things - half of that i don't take seriously and the other half i believe to be misjudged; i know i give off a good performance, but i also know that nobody knows the real me.

all in all... i have never ever been truly exposed and left to cope on my own with the big bad wolf called life. assurances are worth nothing up to the final test. and that one, i keep postponing, to the degree to which it is in my power to postpone.

i have considered moving away. out of the country. because, frankly, i am sick and tired of it. but that would mean that the little birdy would have to fly. alone. the one thing that truly keeps me here, is most probably my mum. seeing how she copes with my brother being halfway across the world, i think i would sincerely have her on my conscience should i ever leave. please, spare me the story of us having to choose our own way. it doesn't always work like that. i cannot consciently choose a way that would most probably bring my mum to her ruin or her grave.

i feel small... so very small... lost, exposed and threatened by a world a i know nothing of. and i feel even smaller for complaining the entire time, like i was at the end of my life, with the entire path laid out before me and unchangeable... and not merely in my twenties.

ps: image by marcin stawiarz. again.

proof to the contrary

"looks and sounds like heartbreak season. actually, been looking and sounding like that for some time now. people breaking up or falling apart... people whom you'd never expect to do that. people being broken hearted who'd never deserve it, people breaking hearts from who you'd never expect it"

sounds familiar? 'course it does. or it should, mind you. it's just a couple of blogs below, the starting paragraph. last night was night shift, that's when i usually talk most to people in my messenger list who are night owls just like me, hehe. well, one of these talks quite fit the paragraph above. unfortunately. the guy, let's just call him c., is just about to break up with a long term girlfriend. i told him such news always get me depressed and made a :( face; he said i shouldn't as it always happens in the end. well... my remark was that i am still looking for a proof of the contrary. we ended talking about the issue by agreeing that i have a talent for in-vain-things.

well, well, well... i've got news for you, folks :D. i've found a proof for the contrary and i was laughing my ass off, alone in the office, at 5 am. i am really happy for these people, if they weren't on the other side of the planet, i think i'd like to give them both a hug for that hearty laughter. first of all, because i found the aforementioned proof. and second, because i simply adore irony. even if it slaps me in the face :) ladies and gentlemen, please proceed to examine evidence no.1. it is a quote from a blog i came upon accidentally while seeking an image of a breakfast table, believe it or not.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6.5 years. No, we don't have an "open relationship," and no, we don't do 3-ways. (Nor do we have any intention of partaking in those activities in the future.)---Yes, we've both made our share of "mistakes" over the years. (Most couples who say they haven't are usually lying.)

*A brief word on "mistakes" in relationships: If a relationship is based on honesty, a couple really can work through any possible problem or "mistake" that either one makes or encounters.---There comes a point in a relationship when you stop thinking "Will we make it through this?" and focus on "How can we make it through this?"---Yes, it's possible to attain a point where "breaking up" just isn't a viable option.---And yes, there are situations when it can be incredibly painful, but (here's the good news)... hurt feelings can be healed, lost trust can be restored, and "things can be like they used to be" (most times, even better!)---If doubts arise as to "whether" a couple might "make it through" a conflict, then... well... they're just not at that point yet.---However, when you get there,... it is glorious!

this is by far the most reasonable and at the same time sweet thing i read on the issue of relationships lately, and trust me, i read a lot. note the 6.5 years? blog post is dated july 14, 2005. today's post from the same blog reads:

"Yesterday afternoon, as I drove home from work, I started thinking about my boyfriend... and how much I loved him and... I started... sobbing,... just... sobbing. I pulled over to the side of the road and called his phone at work. "Forget about the blog tonight, honey," my boyfriend said. "Skip the errands, go home, and relax.".

and yes, by all means, it is the very same boyfriend. oh, yeah. have i mentioned the irony before? the author of the blog isn't a chick. it's a guy called jason :) and yes, you read correctly on first attempt (congrats on that): he has a boyfriend.

right at'char faces, assholes. no, not you people. those stupid brainless giants in windmills i've been fighting for some time. monster considered squashed with proof the contrary.

woo-hoo. draco vincit.

so fell autumn rain...

my spontaneous written answer to the written question "why do you love autumn?" sounded something like this:

"because beautiful songs were written about it.
and because in autumn... i sometimes find myself, even tough i always feel that i'm scattered with the leaves and melted away in the rain."

and only after reading it again, and seeing it in written, did i figure that it was the truth. had you asked me the question before, i would have probably said that i hate autumn, because of the inevitable depression in which everything starts sinking all of a sudden, with the heavy rainfalls.

i am speaking of late autumn here, when the fire of the foliage is long since extinguished by the constant drizzle and pour out of leaden skies, leaving behind only the charred twisting branches, that spike at the clouds, trying in vain to tear them to shreds, to let some golden sunlight shine down.

not the foliage is what defines trees, but the roots and trunks and branches. leaves are but a passing adornment, an outburst of faked joy of green and yellow and orange and red. they come and go, the rest remains. and in late autumn, the trees show themselves as they are.

that's why, i am like the trees. it is not the depression that comes over me with the coming of the autumn... it is the faked joy that i shake off, tired or wearing it, like dried out leaves. that's why, when those passing conventional smiles are scattered with the leaves and the tears melt away in the rain... i find my self.

so fell autumn rain,
but all things must pass
so fell autumn rain,
washed away all my pain
i feel brighter somehow,
lighter somehow
to breathe once again
so fell autumn rain,
washed my sorrows away
with the sunset behind
somehow i find
the dreams are to stay

lake of tears -
so fell autumn rain

ps: the image is called 'dead bodies everywhere'. the author is marcin stawiarz. i warmly recommend his site www.stawiarz.com as it is a treat for both eye and soul.

RIP, Crikey :(

there are few people out there who have a Dream with a capital D. there are fewer people out there who get to share a Dream with someone. there are even fewer people out there who dare to fight for their Dream. and only the fewest of them actually get to live it, to be come the living, breathing, talking, walking incarnation of that Dream.

take away the commercial side of the croc hunter, and you will have a person who took their dream out into the world. maybe he didn't raise many followers, but he raised attention on something else than your everyday issues. "I believe that education is all about being excited about something. Seeing passion and enthusiasm helps push an educational message." i hope it did. "ain't she a beauty?". no, she ain't. or at least she wasn't, until someone pointed it out.

a stingray may kill a man, but it may not kill a dream. and seeing the odd chance there is for such an accident, i just can't help thinking that this was one of those things that were meant to be. and that stingray did nothing else but fulfilling a mission. it gave a hero to a cause. "I have no fear of losing my life - if I have to save a koala or a crocodile or a kangaroo or a snake, mate, I will save it."

let's just hope the world gets the message and that it won't forget the idea over mourning the person. and yet... farewell to a piscean who swam against the stream and to the degree to which dragons still exist... farewell to a dragon whisperer. rest in peace, mate.

one

looks and sounds like heartbreak season. actually, been looking and sounding like that for some time now. people breaking up or falling apart... people whom you'd never expect to do that. people being broken hearted who'd never deserve it, people breaking hearts from who you'd never expect it... i am honestly surprised that i hear of people wedding, since break-up seems to be the trend these days.

i sure hope that those who have someone to hold on to, hold on tight. but even some of those seem to have first and second and third thoughts about it. it's one of the worst fields to have doubts in, i reckon. putting your trust in someone, supposedly investing the best of you and then realising that that someone is not the one you thought they were... and that they are definitely not the fabled One.

which raises the philosophical and as yet, as far as i am aware, unanswered question of how to know you've met the One. now one of the stupidest ideas i've ever heard is making a list of what you'd want in a significant other. people don't match lists, they are not a string of bits and bytes. what i sort of do have on a list though, is what i wouldn't want in someone... core things, pretty important things and the not so important, yet bothersome things. i am not fooling myself that there's someone running loose out there to match any criteria list... not the must have, not the musn't have. he'd have to be very special indeed to cope with me, i know that. am a difficult kid to handle. he'd have to be even more special for me to like, let alone love.

but i kinda figured how i would know... it would prolly be a person in front of whom i could cry freely. without feeling weak, or stupid, or like having to apologise, or justify, or answer a thousand questions, or ease someone's worries. just cry all the tears i've held up inside for too long and then fall asleep in a pair of arms and wake up with a smile, to finally face a morning that is worth getting up from the bed.

just for the record: the last time i cried in front of someone was september 19, 2003. that someone was my mum and i didn't want her to be there. the time before that... i cannot remember. tough job, eh?

money makes the world go round...

...or fall apart, in my case. i have come to abhorr those little coins and papers and those plastic cards. because, as much as idaelistic assholes out there claim you cannot buy happiness, those coins and papers and plastics prove them wrong each and every day, over and over again.

no, you probably can't buy happiness. obviously, since it's an abstract thing. but you probably can buy loads if not most of the things that make you as an individual happy. sure, you may be happy to walk in the sunshine. but if you happen to feel like it on a lousy rainy november? well, you got the money - you go somewhere sunny. you love dogs? well, if you have the money - get a whole pack of puppies to raise in a proper space. you fancy writing? take a sabatical and start doing it. you love parties - party with money. you love to read... books cost money, so does the time to read, unless you're paid for that.

i am sick of depending on money. sick of counting twice if i actually can afford to buy a present, sick of skipping holidays in order to save for something else, sick of being too far from friends to meet them without huge costs, sick of hearing my parents fearing their retirement, sick of thinking twice before ordering a pizza, sick of choosing carefully which book or cd to buy, sick of not going to all the concerts i fancy, sick of being in a dead end job cause it pays well enough, instead of doing full time what i really like.

because, yes, that's what it comes down to. and mind you, i am by far the best off from most people i know. i live with my parents and they don't charge me anything; it is my choice to eat something different, i can spend my money on clothes, or books, or cds, or travel, or, yes, an expensive-as-hell camera or on a laptop i didn't need at that time but thank god i bought it, or to pay my internet bill or to talk on the phone with whoever i want for as long as i want or... you get the point.

however, it is not the rosiest thing, i do feel like i am living off their backs. and i do know that i have a darn good salary compared to... well, almost all people i know. for doing virtually nothing, because my job is laid back enough to allow me to devote at least 5 or 6 of those 8 hours to something else. i just need to be there. and yet, i dread waking up and dragging myself to there... i dread having to smile when i am down, having to listen to stupid jokes when i want silence and endure silence when i want music. i dread not being able to do something else because it pays less.

and i absolutely hate the fact that i am such a chicken. and that i fail to live what i preach :(