strike of genius

... or maybe not :) sometime during this day i will post a new blog (hopefully... you know how my posting promises go...). nothing new, really, it's something i've posted on the forum, but took me quite some time to write, so... why not recycle? :) also, an update is due.

anyways, i was thinking... - it's not an original idea, i got it from some other blogger - of doing a feature on the blog. so if you (think you) are among the approved readers of this blog and there is anything you wish to say here rather than on your own blog or somewhere else or whatever... just go ahead.

write me a mail containing your text; maybe put your post's title in the subject line or otherwise make it plain to see. also feel free to add pics if there are any particular ones you wish included and state your pen-name :), it will go in the title too.

i will think of something (prolly another dragon :) )to replace the little blue dragon at the start of (most of) my posts, to also visually identify feature posts.

let's see whether something comes out of this :)

Zaraza - part two

Let's see how you're doing: you haven't changed your car, you've got no villa and you didn't get a mobile with bluetooth, like all the fancy people do.

You didn't kiss ass to build a career. You spent all your money on books, movies and travels.

If you keep it up in the coming year, you are sure to win all our respect. From Zaraza, to all those who understand that you are made a gentleman by what you know, not own... Respect!

Zaraza part one

Zaraza greets all those who don't appear in magazines, those who don't have fancy cars, teenage girlfriends or spectacular political careers.

Zaraza congratulates all those who know what "fortuitously" means and those for whom Kafka isn't a Czech football player.

From Zaraza, for the true gentlemen in Romania... Respect!

2006

yeah, i know. it's not over yet. and i hate summing up things. as i mentioned somewhere else, i dread looking under lines to see what i end up with. but since i've already done it elsewhere... why not post it here as well. a reminder for future generations :)

on the outside... better than 2005 in some ways. professionally and financially mostly. and i sometimes feel like an arsehole for complaining because of that. also on the plus side of things, there was an accomplishment i suppose i should be proud of and yet another international experience.

on the inside... a calmer year on interpersonal level... what struggles there were, they were the aftermath of 2005 so it's yesterday's snow really. the big plus here is a big thank you to my guardian angel; an unforgettable august night; and some dear friends.

the big minus goes to my more and more pregnant lack of enthusiasm, appreciation, trust, faith, hope and will to change. a lesson i should've learned and i constantly fail (though that is not such a good thing; wanting to pass is) and a promise i keep making to myself... and breaking. and i hate promise-breakers. i know i didn't make much sense, but bear with me. i honestly do know what i am talking about, it makes perfect sense to me.

this is what i posted as a sum-up. i didn't want to go into detail there.

i can't deny it was a good year from those two points of view. i earn quite some money and quite easily. i know many a person would like my job. but it's wearing me down, turning me into someone i don't want to be. i'm afraid it's one of the things that will need seeing into in 2007. not that i believe in new year's resolutions anymore.

my so called accomplishment that everyone says looks good in a cv is more of a headache than a reason for joy to me. and, hey, people, i don't care about my cv. i don't care about career.

amsterdam was great. the project filled me, at least short-term with enthusiasm. well, am paying for that mistake now. meant to go back there in autumn, but nikon got the best of me :) however... it's a city worth the wait and worth a good camera, too :) i was considering summer but might make that spring. maybe a truly lavish birthday present to myself.

most echoes of 2005's troubles just managed to die out short of the end of this year. what bonds still tie me to days passed, i mean to sever in may. more about that in may, however :) (considering i'll be still alive, conscious, able to write and willing).

surviving with a mere bruise an accident in which others break their spine i suppose is a good thing to be counted at the end of the year. good to have a dragon near. as for the august night... i suppose most people reading know what i mean :) i don't believe in a drug stronger than that. the friends... also know, i presume. or hope.

the downside of things... well, that is something i still need to sort out with myself. as said, i don't believe in new year's resolutions anymore. those are destined to be broken. i am at the moment looking for something worth believing in. well... i can wait. there's no hurry. there are other years to come. or so they say. it needn't be mystic, or noble or some higher goal. just something to keep me going. and... i just remembered a song very dear to me that i haven't listened to in quite a while...

in a world that gives you nothing...
i need something... to believe in.

ps: yep, second pic by marcin stawiarz again. i'll get there, someday :)

someone call the ambulance...

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||||| 74% Schizoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 62% Antisocial |||||||||||||||| 66% Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Histrionic |||||| 30% Narcissistic |||||| 26% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 70% Dependent |||||||||||||| 54% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||| 42%

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some news

quick post:

for those of you who knew about my previous forum and / or used to post in it...
can't get that back, but i've set up another one.
still having smiley trouble, but it's functional.
you are very welcome to post there.
i will not make the address public.
if interested, please mail me and i'll send you the link.
oh, please use the du.shurtugal[at]gmail[dot]com addy.
i check that one daily.

stone sour - bother

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit

i can't help it *grin*

arguing trouble

i have a problem arguing with males who's iq ranges from halfway intelligent upwards. i don't argue with stupid ones on principle. because they are bound to run out of arguments. which isn't that bad, but then there's another thing they are bound to get to and those are sexist remarks of some sorts. whether it will imply the woman = no brains theory or the you need to go get laid routine, in 99,9% of the cases, stupid males will get there.

so, that only leaves halfway intelligent or intelligent people to argue with. not all too many, i dare mention >:) . now you may say that the arguing issues with only halfway intelligent males don't cover such a wide range of topics. it is rather narrow and rather simple, too. perhaps not always worth arguing. however, it happens so for this theory's sake, we consider them subjects of this post too.

so, what is it that doesn't let me argue things out properly, since we established it is neither the issue in discussion, neither the other's intelligence. well... i don't know whether it's a typical male thing, but i'd venture to say yes. and i also dare say it only occurs when they argue with a female (unbelieveably so, but i am a part of that sorry half of the species).

now, in an argument, things are bound to heat up. i generally don't hold people completely responsible for what they throw into the battle in its heat. it's all about dealing strikes to the mental construct of the other, after all. however, occasionally, whether by intention or not, those strikes hit home hard. not with the construct, but with the person. it shouldn't happen in a 'clean' arguement, but sometimes it does.

i must admit i am selfish enough not to have noticed the behaviour of others when i was the one to draw blood and i probably did it enough times. to my defense - i didn't observe my reaction either until the idea i am building towards has occured to me. but generally, there are two types of reaction i have when receiving such hits. if they hit really, really hard, i may strike back and strike back hard. i know i can be darn cruel. the other one, which determines a patterned response from my male arguing partners is... "ouch".

it is a statement of the fact that a certain retort really hurt. a mere acknowledgement of the hit taken and possibly a warning that to further insist on that particular point would only cause pain. what i would expect as a response would be the taking of the argument back to a more abstract level. going back from the persons involved to the issue at hand. however, what i got, in four cases with four different persons was... retreat. immediate and unconditional. there was an excuse and a dropping of the whole thing. that leaves me completely unsatisfied. first, because i consider the argument non-productive, since nothing was sorted out; second, because the male retreats and i'm left licking my wounds and brooding over what has caused them.

my guess is that at the "hey, you've hurt me" signal, they get scared. scared of crossing an unwritten line in treating a woman or perhaps going back to the sense that was taught to them in their upbringing. in neither case was the issue picked up again to be argued over. if ever mentioned, it was an apology and an assurance that everything is ok.

now, besides the already mentioned lack of satisfaction of having sorted things out one way or another, there is something else that troubles me. it hit me a couple of days after the one with the argument when i became aware of that patternt, while reconsidering it. i think that women use that precise thing in arguments with men to either win or stop them. make them feel like jerks for hurting them, let them boil in that feeling and then get what you want as ransom for easing their conscience. a mechanism of inter-sex manipulation. i might be paranoic, but i think it is quite often the case.

honestly... i felt like shit every time it happened to me. they felt like shit and i felt like shit for making them feel that way. that was definitely not the purpose. and those are definitely not the cheap tricks i like to use. if puppy eyes don't work, that's it for me in matters of emotional blackmail. that's as far as i go. of course i sulk. sulking is normal. i don't expect anyone to react to it. i get riled up when they do and i generally refuse whatever peace pipe is offered. if i didn't get something when asking, i definitely won't accept it as bribe to stop feeling bad about something or someone.

thus, i worry that my "ouch, you've hurt me" in an argument might be perceived as some sort of backdoor women use to have their way. or their point. or their whatever. i hate sexist stereotypes. i dislike being labelled in general and i dread being labeled for what's between my legs. i've waged war on such labels as far back as i can remember to the point of doing stuff out of sheer spite of precisely those neatly prescribed patterns of behaviour. and i ended up having arguing trouble... :(

one day....

i seem to see ahead in a kind of way. i know we are going to take a very long road, into darkness; but i know i can't turn back. it isn't to see elves now, nor dragons, nor mountains, that i want - i don't rightly know what i want: but i have something to do before the end, and it lies ahead.

j.r.r. tolkien, the lord of the rings, book one, chapter IV - a shortcut to mushrooms

not now... but some day... when the darnkess lifts... i'll see the Road... and i'll bear this in mind. i have something to do. something that i owe myself. and it lies ahead. and elves and dragons will always surround me.