sick and tired...

... of always being sick and tired. well, that girl's got that one right. i am. i'm sick of tired of being sick and tired, of angst and spleen, of melancholy without (apparent) reason, of grumbling and brooding thoughts in my mind till they stop tasting anything, even bitter. and hell yeah, i even hate myself sounding like some overgrown teenager whom the world doesn't understand. guess it's the other way round anyway, it's me who doesn't understand, and the world couldn't care less.

i went to the park today to walk the dog (i feel a bit guilty for neglecting her... emotional side), thought of repeating yesterday's experience, hopefully without the old slimy guy that perturbed it. unfortunately, the darn park was packed full of old ladies and gentlemen strolling at snail speed, couples spread on all benches, mad kids racing on bicycles, even smaller kids running among one's leg till you pray you don't trip... and hysterical chicks with hysterical pekingnese dogs... you get the picture. so there go the peace and calm i hoped to find. the whole thing got even worse when a meeting with a friend of mine turned into a mutual mourning of how our lives go by and we sit and watch helplessly.

so there i go tumbling head over feet into depression. and there i go wishing there was a switch to turn off my mind, my heart, my brain or whatever organ or entity it is that keeps me thinking. for the life of me i cannot understand why i have to care so much, why words sting and glances hurt, why i am so painfully aware of things and why gloomy thoughts keep chasing each other in my mind. just for a couple of minutes i want to enjoy silence in my head. and just for a couple of days i want to be stupid, ignorant, reckless, uncaring, take a holiday from myself, what i think, what others think, what i feel, what others feel... and be blissfully, ignorantly happy.

and then i wake up for reverie... and realise that while being me tortures me... not being me would certainly kill me. or i'd kill myself on re-becoming me after my out-of-ego trip. while rationally i know that what i have is a bliss, at times it does feel like a curse. it's the cross of the vain.

ps: this blog is by no means intended to be offensive. well... maybe it is. but not to you. stay calm.