the blog about nothing

yep, that's right. felt the need to write something the entire day (i am weird, no need to tell me that). i have nothing blogworthy to write about though. or nothing i would be in the mood to write anyway. for your information - i am still sick and tired of stuff, but that's no news and i know the state all too well, so all i can do is bear with me till my mood swings again *insert shrug here*. but i am even sick of talking about it so won't bother you with that one for a while. no big news otherwise, and my little neuron has gone back to slumber, so no life-changing, perspective-shifting, mountain-moving philosophy bits either (yeah, we've already sorted that out - i'm vain).

actually, i was in the mood to write a really peaceful blog. not a nice, or beautiful, or heaven forbid, a pathetic one. just a calm, settled down blog. no "loud" feelings. loud feelings tire me lately. don't know if i am making myself clear. i am too strain for any loud feelings. i need quiet ones. like when you have a headache and you find otherwise normal sounds utterly disturbing, and yearn for silence, or soothing, steady sounds to calm you. just like a sound can be loud or shrill and irritating, or calm and soothing, so can be feelings. may be gloomy for all i care, but i need them to whisper in my head, not scream.

someone called me a deep well today. they said i seem joyous and balanced on the surface, but on digging through my writings they found a disturbingly sad and hurt me lurking underneath, that doesn't show. well, it peaks out of the well occasionally, but blink and you'll miss it ;) seriously now, i know i may be more prone to melancholy than the average joe, and i know i put on a darn good show of happy-go-lucky at times, but i do not see myself like that. then again, i could hardly be objective about myself, i guess. and on the other hand, i perceive my self as a whole (we do not comment multiple wholes here ;) - relax i'm not a schizzo), as an average of the moods. could be worse, i tell you. don't make me prove it ;)

well, am not in the mood for anymore self-analysis right now (omg, i'm so egocentrical... this blog is only about me, me, me! oh, wait, it's my blog... phew, guess that's ok then). it might stir some loud feelings, and as said - no need for them right now. i just wish for calmness. that wise, condescending steadiness of an old oak, watching the storm rage around it. or of an old dog, seated calmly and looking with a knowing smile upon a bunch of puppies rolling and tumbling around. i wish for that kind of inner peace, that knows that all good and all bad will equally pass all around it and it will still be there, with barely a noticeable scar (ok, so it was fear that was supposed to pass and the self that was supposed to remain - can i please get away with a minor dune rip-off? thanks.). i wish upon you the peace and bliss of that wisdom. take it as an easter blessing. "may it be a light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out."