the server may be down or not responding... (the no pictures blog)

i don’t necessarily feel like writing a blog. i do feel like writing, however. whatever it is. and that is usually a sign that something is troubling me and i need to spill it out, some way or another... or at least part of it.

i don’t know exactly what it is. or maybe i know and i’d rather not face it or give it any names. you know what they say... once you name it, you call it into existence.

i think the main problem is, lately i am alone with my thoughts for too long a time once again. i push them to the back of my mind mostly. i cover things up busying myself. but now i have a downtime. i am at work, i have stuff to do, but the network is down so i can’t. i have few options left and i am delighted at neither, so i drifted away and... landed here. not good.

i wonder if we really should be the way we are. sometimes i find myself thinking that i am in a way... that is not good for me. i wish i’d been built differently, from many points of view. i have tried to change, but it doesn’t work that way. you can’t just say ‘i’m going to change this about myself’ and just do it. you may change on the outside, you may attain a degree of control over your reactions and so forth, but you can’t change your insides at will. or at least, i can’t. sure we change... but it is the direct result of interacting with people, things, situations. it’s called ‘evolution’ (or ‘involution’...).

and putting up a pretense of someone you want to be... i wonder if the cost-benefit relation is a profitable one here. i think the strain of it, even though allowing one to live and be functional in a given environment is in the long run more damaging than being oneself. no idea. i can’t quite gather my thoughts into a coherent flow right now.

it’s just that, looking back i sometimes have reactions that are not really me as i see myself. maybe my view of me is distorted; actually, it more than certainly is, since i can’t be objective towards myself. but then again... am i not who i think i am? doesn’t my mind define me and is that not really all that matters in relation with me?

i think i’ve mentioned this before... i think these self-defining issues... i should’ve left them behind in my teen years. should’ve settled the issues or at least should’ve drawn some stable major outlines and then just go on defining and refining details. and yet, every once in a while when i find myself stopping and asking these questions... i am as lost as ever.

i have no idea who i am. if i were to take that ‘i am’ test right now on the spot... i don’t know if i could come up with 20 definitions. definitions, not adjectives. and then, going through them... how many would seem vital to me? and stable enough for me to say that they are part of my essence?

same goes for the ‘what i want’ question. no fucking idea. ‘how do you see yourself in twenty years? in ten years? in five years?’. hell, i don’t know. i don’t look there, i don’t see myself. i don’t even see myself in a year or in a couple of months. i go with the flow in an incredible way. and one that is in utter contrast to my self-determining philosophy of life and my view that you are what you make yourself become and all that shit. maybe i’d put just a little more effort in myself if i knew where i stand and where i want to go. right now... i just want to go away.

which brings me back to the emmigration issue. maybe my mum is right. maybe i just got bored and need a change. she’s suggested i change my job. i don’t want to change my job for one i don’t enjoy. not even for double pay, though it is unlikely that i find a better paid job than this one, plus it is laid-back. well, and boring as hell. but i don’t know what i would like to do. the things i like doing don’t earn me money. and if they did, i’d probably stop liking them anyway. it’s... the way i am built.

i guess this could be the point to also address ily’a comment on a previous post, saying something about all my friends are here and anywhere else i’d feel unwelcome and an outisder and not at home.

well... i don’t really fit in here either. i don’t do what most people my age do, i don’t like what most people my age like. i am not interested in 90% of their possible subjects of conversation. and mind you, this is not the arrogant me speaking. it’s not because i’m smarter or something, or because i beg to differ. i simply don’t care. i don’t care much about anything these days. so... where would the difference be then? unwelcome? by who? or who is welcoming me here?

and friends? pffft. not even worth mentioning. i have a special talent for falling out with people. what friends do i have here? i have one friend whom i see maybe once a week to catch up on things. i have a couple (and by a couple i mean two, not several) more whom i meet even more seldom, maybe once a month in good times. i have several people who probably qualify as acquaintances rather than friends, we come together once a month or once every two months or so and exchange meaningless chatter. i care as little about maintaining contacts as they do, honestly. i could do so well without, that i probably wouldn’t even notice a difference. i am a social person even less than in the past years. i get along well with virtually anyone and am close to virtually no one.

and i guess ‘virtual’ is the key phrase here. i am one of those sorry, pathetic people who live a life online. i’ve done more indepth talking to people i’ve met over the internet than with some i’ve known for half my life, or with my parents. i’d rather call on-line contacts friends then people i’ve practically grown up with. sad, isn’t it? and at the same time... makes it the easier to leave. as long as i don’t move to china or something and radically shift time-zones, most of my friends, even those few long-time ones i’ve mentioned before, are just a click away. just as close and just as unreacheable, no matter whether i log in from romania or from scandinavia.

i guess this is the main reason for this long and mostly senseless blog. my internet connection is down and i am lonely. i am separated from my friends by a blank error screen saying ‘server not responding. there might be a network problem. please contact your network administrator’. the very same screen keeping me from getting work done instead of rambling on here.

oh yeah, in case you were wondering, i am writing this in a ms word document, to be posted on the blog later. look, i’ve written almost two pages and have told you almost nothing. or maybe i’ve said too much already.

well, i have no good news to impart. apart from deciding to emmigrate, i’ve also decided to become just like any regular individual out there with no life whatsoever. in may, when my project finishes, i will resign even my membership from the organisation i used to work for (i’ve gone from employee / board member – member/volunteer) and probably the doggie organisation too. i’ll keep in touch with some of the people (for a time and as much as i seem to keep in touch with anyone...) and that’s that. in june i also finish my master’s degree, which is yet another hot air balloon. and we’ll see what else.

i have times when all these things just pile up over several i can’t avoid and i have had it. besides, i have been told at my regular check-up that i have spasmophilia, which is a lack of calcium and magnesium, which are prevented from being assimilated into the organism by stress, amongst others. so now i take magnesium pills and i am currently on my tenth day off of coke. i’ll see to it that i also get rid of stress. though stressing myself out over the most imbecile issues is part of my nature that i am so unhappy about. well. cheers (that is, if you endured reading all this crap).