i am sam...

the overdue blog. or at least one of them.

and surprise, surprise: nope, it's not the i'm-back-from-germany-let-me-all-tell-you-how-it-was blog. it's one i meant to write to get out of my system at least, but always dreaded. instead, i've kind of talked it over with some people. and at that point, i seemed to have sorted it out somehow, not much to my satisfaction but it seemed clear enough.

the issue in cause is leaving this god damned country. i have come to see that as a duty to myself as a person. i owe that to myself, i owe giving myself that chance or else sit here and wither and wonder about "how if's" later on and wallow in regrets. i am not saying that if i leave it won't be the same. i am waaaaaay beyond believing in heaven on earth somewhere and with my typical arrogance i dare say i am far less optimistic than maybe 80% of romanians who have ever thought about it. but at least then i'd know. i'd know it's because of me and not because i didn't try. regrets over doing something are nothing compared to those of not doing something.

(ok, don't make me explain the reasons, i'll get all riled up about it. let me just point out that whatever they are, they have to do with the quality of living and that does not at this point include financial aspects. out of everything in my life, money goes great. it's not that i'm stinking rich. but so far i've afforded myself basically any whim and they were quite expensive whims. i still have the tendency to sometimes feel bad about it, though i fail to see why. it's not about money. if i were a multi-millionaire in euros, i think i'd still decide to leave this country.)

now, if you somewhat know me, you know what making decision a torture is for me. acting upon one, even more so. i'm generally go with the flow type of person and i usually sit around for things to happen or i just let them happen. if i make them happen for one reason or another, i do it the subtle. that's a decision of course, but the easier one. i am samwise gamgee. i hate changes, the bigger the worse. i can manage them just fine, but avoid them if possible. i need a lot of pushing from behind to take steps.

now, not only is this not a major, but a critical decision, it also affects other people as well in a manner in which i don't feel the right i have to affect them. i mean my parents and mostly my mum. i will not go into details about the background here, nor am i trying to sound overly pathetic. but me leaving the nest and flying into a fairly unreachable place would hit her harder than i bear to know i have hit her. i am not willing to live the rest of my life knowing that i have shortened her life and made it miserable. and no "it is your life to live, not hers" type of argument works here. i am well aware of that, i agree with it, but there are lines to draw and mine is right here. i know not many people either understand or agree with this but it's the status quo.

so, at the point i had talked the issues over with a couple of folks, the (non-)options seemed quite clear. leaving and maybe carve out a place for myself out there and feeling guilty for the rest of my life for leaving my folks behind; or stay, with my folks and unsatisfied. it seemed quite clear and i have on several occasions asked pro-leaving people not to mention it anymore as it would only make me feel bad. hey, i don't want to sit around and wait for my parents to die :((((((((.

in the meanwhile... things have changed a little. first and foremost... surprise: i am more determined than ever that this is not the place for me to live in. i want to change the idiots i am around, so to say :). now, to match this new found determination with my guilty conscience, i am dellusioning myself in a way i've learned from the best (don't ask.). i keep telling myself that i will be able to support my parents and eventually bring them closer to me. whether i can make a living for myself in such a short time until that support will be direly needed (my dad is nearly 66, my mum is 59) is a very questionable and debatable thing, but a thing i need to hang on to.

secondly... my mum is not as opposed to my leaving as she used to be. if the issue came up in conversations, she was usually 'yeah, well, whatever you decide' and then fell silent, which is a bad sign or 'be careful, look at...'. apparently, recently, she has at least rationally accepted that leaving is the better option for me, if not necessarily for her. i'd bet anything it still pains her, but at least she has reached some degree of acceptance and recent political events have strengthened that opinion.

and that brings us to the wishful thinking part. first... i somehow need to find the strength and the moral support to actually take that step. once again i am more aware that it is good for me of what that really means and it is one hell of a step for a little samwise. currently i am just nosing around on embassy sites for requirements and legislation guides.

countries envisioned for the moment are germany, england, austria or ireland, because of the language. final destination of choice is as always sweden. i will eventually take up learning swedish again, i still have the textbook, i only need the will, even if i cannot find another course to enroll in.

i am not much troubled with their reluctance to take on immigrants, to be honest. i rely heavily on my knowledge of languages, several of my skills gained during my pretty flexible employment places i had here, my education if i must and in my people skills that i don't necessarily like but am aware of having to quite some degree. i am confident, not necessarily in me, since self esteem always was and i suppose always will be an issue with me, but in my ability to catch on fast on swimming once thrown in deep water. i know i can take most of what is thrown at me even if it hurts like hell and i've come to believe in me as a survivor. it's just that i don't want to settle down with survival anymore. i want to live and i want to thrive. and this soil here... it's spoilt for a couple of generations to come.