do you happen to have memory flashbacks triggered by smells? i do. actually i think they make up the majority of my flashbacks. it's 4 a.m. and i just had one and then followed the flow of thought.i am at work, i went to the bathroom and when i opened the door to the other corridor, the smell hit me for just a fraction of second. i can't really say what it was... maybe cleaned moquette and warm printer's toner... i am not even sure what it reminded me of, since it was such a short thing. i just knew i had smelled that before and it already slipped back into the subconscious.
the closest association that i could make consciously, several seconds (an eternity) later... was a summer's day... back in highschool... i went to my mum's office... she was still working at the dept. for international relations at the uni... they had laid new moquettes on the floor, dark blue... i went there... my mum had an internet connection (omg!)... i hanged out for a couple of hours, she was busy sorting papers as she had just
moved in the office... i surfed... i registered on a bon jovi fan site... (when i googled my name - yeah, i do that - a year ago or so i found my ad there)... i printed loads of articles... interviews... i still have them, in a file... most of them come from that day... i had a new pair of jeans... light blue, really light blue... my mum's colleague remarked upon them... the next pair of that colour, i bought a couple of years ago... summer jeans, not the kind i usually wear... and a beige top, with a light blue 'blind' logo... i wore both when i was out with colleagues in the town center... gathering signatures for something... i was young and... not stupid... definitely not... but hoplessly idealistic... even i
f some old bastard stopped at some point... and said he wished communists were back... then we would all burn in ovens... that was the nazis, asshole... go die your pitiful lonely death... your grandchildren probably hate you, you children don't talk to you and no one would show up for your funeral anyway...then... the film stopped. back to reality - i'm a bit cold, i'm wearing the jeans again that have the buttons that give me an itch, and i have a slight toothache (no, my friend, i have not gone to the dentist yet). i love these experiences... they have amazing an accuracy of every recording - sound, sight, temperature, the way the light was falling, the smell and how i felt at the moment.
i have lost that idealism. i got the confirmation today that the project proposal i submitted for financing got through the first phase of evaluation... i need to send in some more details for it to be taken into consideration. i don't want to do it. i have no one to do it with. no one i can rely upon when it gets down rough. i lack the enthusiasm. i have proven myself that i can do it and am not tempted anymore. i don't have or don't want to find the time. i have other things to focus on, things that bring me more satisfaction. i have moved on and hung my superhero costume in the closet... let it rot there.
in some ways, i resent that. in others, i know it's better like this. better for me, anyway. but then again, that is selfish. but
selfishness in this case is a matter of self-preservation. it's all so darn complicated, duties and desires. and now what? am i to decide whether classicism or romanticism have the upper hand? choose between the two? i know it sounds absurd but i so wanted the application to be rejected... to have the decision taken off my hands...choices again, and i do not want to make them and even less do i want to act upon them, stick to them and promise myself i won't regret. i had pushed it to the back of my mind, wanting to scratch a thing off my list. make this a halfway quiet autumn.
ps: the cobwebs i mentioned missing in the previous post: it's full of them :)
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