am not even gonna say it

... oh, yes i will. it's what i've come to call my brokeback feeling (no, don't go rolling your eyes there, i can see that you know!). i wanna go on my brokeback mountain... i'm not keen on camping, but i don't think i'd mind a tent now. i'm in the mood for garda, but not exactly that. how should i put it. i don't want the neighbour's crazy cow coming 'round. and i don't wanna go to the village to buy bread.
honestly now. i think i need some solitude. take a book, something to write, a warm blanket and kara and... just go somewhere. lake, mountains, forest, sun, birds - the entire landscape. dunno... unwind.
do you know what's been keeping me from painting my room all of this time? the drawer in the corner. it's packed full, so many papers, memories, stuff. piled up so i won't throw it away, stuffed in a cardboard box. or two. or three. whatever. need to get rid of all that before i start.
my mind seems just like that drawer. need to get rid of stuff that's piled up and getting in my way. need to retreat to a place where everything is ok, where i am sane and the world is in order and whatever i do is fine, because whatever i do follows the rules of the heart and i have only my heart to answer. it may make you feel small and insignificant. but boy, it sure takes a load off your chest to be small. small and free in shared eternity. sounds better than overgrown and stuffed in shoes that fit too tight. that's what i've come to call my brokeback feeling.
and now that i've done with spilling... do you think i could have jake help in the process? :p