on tracks, trains and the slimy nature of my insides

Runaway train never coming back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

... this is the song that should provide the soundtrack for this little piece of insanity. thanks Bogdan for providing the scenery. enter the theatre of my mind. watch your steps, though, there are tracks running criss-cross all over my brain, though, and trains speed passed absolutely reckless towards me. there's no reason they should be otherwise towards you.


well... here i am again. at a crossroads of sorts. multiple tracks coming and going, intersecting on the various planes of my life and me... silly little me is just standing in the middle of it all, looking around confused. i keep turning around myself, i've lost all sense of direction and i haven't yet reached any decision. i probably even won't. i got used to that by now... sooner or later, some train will pass. i'll be too chicken to jump on board and too weak to make it halt. so i'll just jump off its tracks and let it pass, looking at some idiotic kid having his nose pressed against the window and poking his tongue at me.

i have no idea what i want. i don't want anything. or i want too much. or i don't want much, but i want contradictory things. or... ah, to hell with it all. in the end i'll probably just start walking in some direction or other. i am not made to jump on passing trains. rides without tickets - that's just not my style. sides... there are so many, coming, going... i just can't choose.

i have a professional opportunity that i've longed for in some time... yet i am undecided. it's all i've ever wanted though. i think the thing that scares me is being on my own for too long. if i just retreat in my old, deserted station house... i don't know if i'll ever dare look at trains again. it took an effort to get used to being around people, to stop feeling haunted, to stop feeling watched, to stop feeling awkward. this option is just all too tempting to my old self.

in my private life... i am getting attached to people again. i guess most would see this as a positive thing. it just scares the hell out of me. it'll do nothing but get me hurt again in the end. it was a slow and painful process, extracting all that bound me, leaving gapes instead... severing all the ties. i ended up maimed. maimed, but alive and emotionally self sufficient. i guess the tendency to bond is the natural one and what i inflict upon myself is the perversion. but i do not feel i have the strength to receive all the hurt that comes through those tentacles that bind me to others. nor to get myself in a shape fit for survival in a world of relationships. i just want to stay planted just where i am, a diform mass of something, no pitiable electric impulses in the shape of feelings travelling to or from me.

i just want to lie down on the tracks... have all trains take a different route... watch the grass grow over the rail, look out along the steady metal tracks and dream where they might lead to. not go there. just dream. i want to lie down on the tracks in safety and fall into a dream of distances where nothing ever hurts.

i decided to leave this goddamned country, even if even for a while. i need a breath of fresh air. i need to get away from a place where climbing on the head of others is an ordinary event, where it is natural to be rude and reckless and when you don't seem to have some immediate material interest of sorts you are regarded as freak. where you are not allowed to step out of your role - gender, professional, agewise or whatever. it is a place for chameleons and i am not a chameleon. a train out of here would be a good idea... one to take me away from all my crossroads.

or even better... have a custom made train... on custom made tracks... the small, open wagon trains they use in the mountains, on narrow tracks, that are just their own. admire the scenery as it slowly passes by. no hurry whatsoever. speed is not what matters, neither the destination. insanity will always be there waiting... i might just as well enjoy the ride. on a special track, leading away from all others.

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain

and then... i lift my eyes and see projected on the horizons hundreds of train and track extensions, posts and cables... indicating just as many trains passing and passengers waiting, trampling each other on the feet, hoping to get a good seat. and i get all scared again... they'll trample me... regardless of my lack of interest in their trains and danr seats. i just can't let myself be exposed like that... i feel like a snail without a shell. like a little limax, with my insides all on the outsides. limaxes are gross and slimy. all they ever do is get squished. time to get a train out of here. to anywhere. far from the madding crowd, far from all the intersecting tracks. away...


So tired that I couldn't even sleep,
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep,
One more promise I couldn't keep.