bittersweet

am feeling bittersweet. and i feel like i aged prematurely. somewhere in the middle of my childhood something tore; someone pressed skip/fast forward and i feel at least twice my age.

i am just standing ashore, watching the tumult of life. of others' life. it's less and less often that i get carried away by the flood. and i have that smile upon my face that absolutely sucks to be seen. a sad, know-it-all smile. like an old arthritic dog watching pups play.

not even insolence and sheer stupidity gets to me quite the way it used to (and in case you wanna object, yeah i know i sound like an arrogant piece of shit, and yeah, i know i just used offensive language, if you don't like it just navigate away - the net is far, the net is wide). i get a bit upset, but realise there's no point. except from killing off a few neurons... nothing changes so why bother. so i just smile condescendingly again.

i once started off carving a wonderful monument statue in my head. glorifying people. i thought i was on to something. i thought i could see something in people. something good that lay hidden, but that could be brought out. i went out with the 'smile, and the world will smile with you' attitude. and... well, i hit rock bottom. the sad fate of idealists (to be read: idiots) everywhere. yeah, i suppose those are the people that give the world the occasional kick in the ass to move forward. but considering the price to pay, anyone who does, from a mercantilistic point of view is naught but a complete idiot.

so i started carving down. chopped off the marmor, adjusted my statue to fit reality. am left with a mould of clay now. oh, there still are people out there i love, appreciate, respect, admire. it's just that... i don't believe in apples without worms anymore. so i am getting ready to see a worm peak out of my precious apples. at least it won't catch me by surprise again. hope not, despair not, i guess. i've cut off love, trust, friendship, loyalty, honesty, generosity. eventually, they fall. it's not that i rise to the standards. no way. but it was nice having something to look up to and to look forward to. over the past coupleof years i've seen more relationships crumble than i know people. and i've seen such pettiness and such low malice and mischief. for what? no fucking idea.

i can't help assuming this demi-god attitude when i look at all that. i can't help realising that all those things mean Nothing. with a capital N. so all i can do is take my bitterness off the stage and leave the spotlight to those who enjoy bathing in it. in it and in dirt equally. and just smile upon them condescendingly. bittersweet.

ps: artwork by angelreich on deviantart.com