fear the path to the dark side is...

i'm two steps away from the dark side. fear the path to the dark side is. fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side. i am in the anger phase. just like a venomous snake has a pouch of poison that keeps itself supplied, ready for the next and next time the snake will choose to strike - whether in attack or defense - i seem to have a self-refilling reserve of anger.

and i just realised its coming from fear. a fear so deep and concealed, and perhaps so part of my (first or second) nature, that its direct connection to my occasional outburst of anger mostly eludes me. but outbursts just turn themselves into yet another source of fear.

i find outlets. otherwise it'd just pile inside of me until it poisoned my mind beyond my bearing point. the other choice is letting it off on others, which i resent. and while i mostly consider my anger justified (which is a presumably a thing that all tyrants do), i do not like it. i'm a control freak. i don't want my anger controlling me, my thoughts, my words, my actions. i resent it as much as any other thing i cannot control.

losing control does not feel safe, thus it is to be feared. the satisfaction of beating the odds, of living up to uncontrollable situations is outweighed by... fear. if i am to ever change, it is fear i must overcome first - the root of all evil.

ps: pic is cover art of iron maiden's fear of the dark.