...

brokeback feeling all over again. whoever said you pay for everything in life was darn right. i swear i was having an excellent day - my mood matched the weather. too good to last. the sun went into hiding and so did my smile. i must be the most annoyingly mood-changing person i know.
am wide awake in the middle of the night again. i'd blame it on the full moon, but am not all too sure it's full. and this has been going on for a month or so and getting worse. i should probably make an effort and change my schedule. start sleeping in the nights and live what time i am given in the day, when there are a zillion petty things to distract me. but then again... this is me, not that walking, talking, smiling carcass going about during daytime. sickeningly cheerful, you were right, my friend. or at least this is a me i am accustomed to. i could almost be happy in my misery, if it only didn't hurt so bad.
and i have barely thought that, that my conscience kicks in, telling me how ungrateful i am, and that pity is so much better spent on people who deserve it, not on those keeping themselves deliberately miserable... it's just that i'm not that convinced anymore that i am doing it deliberately. it's part of my system.
i need my brokeback. but brokebacks are supposed to be shared. in lack of that... could i just curl up and sleep, lulled in dreams of lakes, with spikes keeping reality at bay?